Date Rape

So this one is also a tricky one.  So many people are told it is not rape because it was a friend or someone you were sorta dating.  Well, that is what happened to me.  I was kinda dating someone.  It was a teachers son, and at one point he had gone to school with us and then was later transferred to a “better” school".  Look, I was no virgin and I have no issues having sex with whoever I want, when I want.  I did not care if I was considered easy, I felt my choices were in fact my choices.  Now I have not slept with hundreds of men, I have slept with less than 20 men in my whole life.

It was the summer after High School graduation.  We had gone out a few times and I had known him for 4 years so it was not like meeting someone new.  One night we were at my house making out.  Things were getting pretty heated and I was OK with that.  However, I knew tonight I was not going to have sex with him.  And I told him this.  I said, “We can make out and do just about everything, but I do not want to have sex.”  He was like no problem.  So we continued.    Things seemed to be going good, however, I said to him again, “We can do everything but have sex.”  He then confirmed that this was just fine. 

Well, as the title says, that is obviously not what happened.  At one point I felt his hands grab my hips and I froze.  It was an awful feeling and I knew right then and there we were going to have sex.  I did not know what to do or say.  I was frozen there, thinking of my past bad experiences with men and thinking, “really, I know him, we talked about all this, this really isn’t going to happen is it?”  He then lifted my body up and sat me on top of him.  I did nothing, he did it all.  I just lay there frozen on top of him thinking this is actually happening.  The worst part, my mom was home in her room.  I could have screamed but I couldn’t physically scream.  I kept thinking, I know this guy.  His dad taught me science.  What are people going to think since we had mutual friends.  For the sad record, only one of our many mutual friends believed me.  Some of my close friends believed him over me.

He called me and threatened me.  His brother and friends threatened me at home and at work.  And I knew he and his friends had guns and they were rich spoiled brats with no curfew or rules.  I was fearing my life for a jackass and no one believed me.  Turns out I ended up getting pregnant with his baby, but I did not know it until I was miscarrying.  I miscarried at a work meeting in the restroom.  It turned out to be a blessing, there was no knowledge so there was no attachment what-so-ever.  There is always light in everything, no matter how horrible it is or how small it may be.

I did get to feel a little personal justice later that summer.  See he was still trying to defend himself to so many people (if he didn’t do anything, why would he have to keep at it, and why was this not a sign to people that I was telling the truth, I may never know) and he went to the one person who believed me.  They talked for a few hours and all she kept asking him is “did she ever say no.”  She did not care about anything but wanting to know if he in fact knew I said no.  Finally after one of the times she asked him he said “yes.”  It is her word against his and these things never lead to a positive outcome, so he in fact got away with it 100%.  I am not sure if I did the right thing not telling the police but that is how it panned out and there is no point now.  As you know, even if I did call the police, there was slim to no chance anything would have happened.  It is really sad that woman choose not to tell because they are pretty sure nothing will happen and if they tell, then the story is out there.  Most woman do their best to push it aside and not tell anyone what happened to them.

A few years had gone by a me and 2 of my friends were skating up Newport beach when I saw him and his brother.  I again froze.  But I froze in a sense of Skating the hell out of there.  My friends could see my happy outlook immediately change to horror and painful memories.  Once we were far enough away I knew I could slow down and stop, my guy friend with us said he would take care of him right now for me.  How sweet, but none of us went back to where they were.  If I never see him again it will be too soon.

Now don’t get me wrong, I have healed and I can talk about this in hopes to help others, but this is one that was never 100% addressed, so the horror feeling I get thinking about this or heaven forbid I see him again, well, it just may never go away.  But it is a good reminder that even people you know are not always worth your trust.  Yes my gut spoke to me, and I listened, half heartedly.  See my gut said to stop when I told him we would do everything but sex.  But I figured I had the situation under control.  Obviously not.  Remember this, if your gut is wrong, you always still have your life if you listen regardless.

I am a very lucky girl.  The statistics are 1 in every 3 woman are sexually assaulted in one way or another.  I used to say I was the girls who beat the odds because my number is greater than 3 separate occasions and I am only 1 woman.  Maybe not the best saying, I stopped that long ago when I got older and wiser :)


10/14/11 Update, So on 10/12/11, Facebook suggested I be friends with the boy who date raped me. Even though I have dealt with this, when I got the suggestion, it stopped me, and I was shaking and sweating like a pig for hours. It is one thing when it is me controlling the situation, but when someone or thing else controls it, you just don't know where your emotions are going to take you.

Molested

I think I was 8.  I know it is weird to say I think, but all I know is that I believe that is the age I was but I cannot remember.  But now that I am thinking about writing this, 8 seems older than I remember me being.  Who knows, all I know is what happened in great detail.  It is funny how our mind will forget some things but then every other little detail you remember like you recorded it.  So here it goes.

My grandma used to have parties all the time when I was younger.  She still does but not as often.  I used to be work behind the bar and make everyone their drinks.  For a young girl, this was way awesome!  Look at me, the little bar tender.

Anyhoo, the party winded down at some point and it was time for my mother to pack me up and drive us home (yes she was very intoxicated, but she did this every night of my live for longer than I can remember).  As we were getting ready to leave there were 2 guys who were too drunk to drive and my grandma was out of room for guests to crash.  So, she asked my mom if they could come home with us and stay the night and my mom can bring them back over tomorrow to get their car.  My mom said yes.  Why wouldn’t she.  I mean these were friends of my grandma or someone.  So they came home with us. 

Now even though it was late when we got home, I still got up at like 6am.  So, I got up and started my normal routine…..into the living room to watch my cartoons!  Out to the living room I went, then I stopped.  I forgot those guys had stayed the night.  I stood their staring at them wondering if I could still turn on the TV quietly and watch until I could go outside.  Well, if you remember the beginning of this, I was 8 or younger, so I turned on the TV and start to watch the cartoons.  Well, one of them woke up.  He said it was OK and he scooted next to me.  He sat really close. He started to rub my arm.  I thought it was weird but my stepmom and I would tickle each other’s arms all the time and I loved it.  That is what it felt like.  So, I went with it.  After all, these were friends of my grandma’s.  She would not ask bad people to stay with us.  So I brushed off that little gut feeling I had. (As I have said before, woman, NEVER ignore your gut!!!!!)  Well, then he started rubbing my legs.  But I still thought, he has to be nice, he is a friend of my grandma’s.  And the I am going to get in trouble for waking our guest sank in a bit which also cause me not to react to what he was doing.  Then it happened.  His hand was under my panties touching my unmentionables.  I knew this was not right but I did not know what to do.  I have no idea how long I was actually thinking before I got up and said, sorry I have to go potty.  I locked myself in my room until my mom took them back to my grandma’s.

A week had gone by and I told no one what had happened.  I felt I was in the wrong.  I woke our guest and I was going to get in trouble if I told my mom what had happened.  This was what I felt anyway.  But I could not shake the feeling that this was not right.  This week my mom was also very sick.  I really thought she was going to die.  So, I figured I would tell her.  She was too weak to get mad at me and she would be dying soon so I don’t have to worry about her being mad at me for long.  My mom was in my grandma’s bed resting when I came in.  I stood there a long time just staring at her.  She kept asking what.  I just stood there.  About 5 minutes later I finally spoke.  “Mom, last week when those guys stayed over, I woke one up when I wanted to watch cartoons.”  Look of irritation washed over her face and I thought about not saying anything else.  But I mustered up the courage to tell her the rest.  She got so upset and was crying and said she would kill him.  Turns out he was a friend of a friend.  They were staying at Los Cabos on Euclid and he had left his jacket at my grandma’s.  Without my knowledge, my mom took me there with her to drop off the jacket.  We left it at the counter and when she told me what we were doing, I freaked.  I could not have my mom drive past Los Cabos ever again.  It was a horrible reminder and I would cry when I saw the sign.

Fast forward many years later.  I am a Sophomore in high school.  I never really came to terms with all this until then.  My boyfriend at the time Mom’s was taking me and her other children (not my boyfriend as he was at college) swimming.  I was very excited until where I saw where we were going swimming at……Yep, Los Cabos on Euclid (it was a pool club thing for the moderately wealthy).  I froze before we walked in.  I explained it all to my boyfriend’s mom and she immediately said we could leave.  I told her it was OK.  That was the best thing I ever did.  For the first hour, I kept looking over my shoulder (like he would still be staying there), waiting for him to just come up to me and say hi.  Not that he would recognize me, but I figured it would happen anyway.  The day carried on and I was able to stop thinking about it and enjoy myself.  I can now drive by there with no issues what-so-ever, however, I have never been back there again to swim and I can say with 100% certainty, I never will.  Not because I have bad memories, but because I no longer live in that state…..LOL