Consent is Sexy - Dating after 14 years

Consent is Sexy

Dating again after 14 years.

Let's talk about that for a moment.

At the time of writing this, I am almost a 48-year-old straight white woman. Does that matter? I don't think so, but those are the facts.

I'm a single mom with two teenage boys who have mental health and other struggles. But that's not why we're here. Different stories for different days.

Anywho... a little background. (Again, another story for another time.)

My boys are from one man. My last relationship was 14 years long, but it wasn't with their dad.

I am a serial monogamist.

Now I'm slowly dipping my toes back into the dating world.

Let's get something straight. I am not a prude by any means. If you ever get the chance to experience me behind the bedroom door, it'll probably be amazing, often, and craved... BUT that is not what I'm looking for.

That needs to be earned.

There are key factors in dating that I think we should all know.

I can only speak for myself, but I don't like to be a bitch. There are so many social cues that, at least in this story, I promise this woman was giving. But eventually, I had to stop relying on body language and use my words.

Let's paint the picture.

I decided to get on a dating app.

I knew absolutely nothing about dating apps. I wasn't in a hurry to settle down, and I wasn't looking to date around. I was simply ready to get back out there a little bit and learn how dating even works anymore.

No expectations.

Just learn how to talk to someone again with the possibility that maybe, someday, it could turn into something.

NOT a hookup.

If you know me, you know I'm pretty honest and blunt. So it wasn't like I hid any of this. I made it clear that I was brand new to dating again, had no idea what in the actual fuck I was doing, and honestly wasn't even sure what I was looking for.

What I did know was this:

I missed companionship.

I missed having someone to tell the biggest news to... or the dumbest thing imaginable because, somehow, they were the person you wanted to tell.

Got the background?

OK... let's move on.

I matched with someone.

Honestly, even matching freaked me out.

He had liked me first and sent me a short message. I went to respond, but in order to send it, I had to officially hit "Match."

That little button made me panic.

It delayed me responding.

But I did.

We messaged back and forth, exchanged numbers, and eventually met for lunch.

So far, so good.

We talked.

Well... I talked more. Shocking, I know.

Overall, it was a really nice first date.

I even told him that asking me to lunch made me feel comfortable because there weren't any expectations. I also explained that I was completely green when it came to dating again.

This was my first real date in over 14 years.

I don't think he realized he was my first date, but he absolutely knew I was new to all of this.

After talking a little more, we decided to have a casual dinner at his place.

I brought burgers.

We ate.

We watched a movie.

And I was nervous.

Is he going to expect something?

Do I need to say anything?

Is it weird if I bring it up before anything even happens?

I mean... we're just eating burgers and watching a movie.

He's also older.

I'm 47.

He's 59.

Surely he isn't trying to rush anything...

Right?

Meanwhile, all of this is running through my head.

Quick sidebar...

Some really bad shit has happened to me with men.

Although I'm a strong woman, there have been times in my life where men have overpowered me and things happened that never should have happened.

Again... another story for another day.

We finished eating.

He put his arm around me on the couch.

Honestly?

It reminded me of high school.

You'd go to the movies, and your date would finally work up the courage to put his arm around you.

Kind of sweet.

He started rubbing my arm.

That didn't bother me.

But I also wasn't leaning into it or encouraging it.

I wasn't upset.

I wasn't thrilled.

I was simply... there.

Watching the movie.

Trying to figure out if I was accidentally giving signals I didn't intend to give.

He kept rubbing my arm.

At one point, I rubbed his leg a little.

Nothing sexual.

Didn't move closer.

Didn't change how I was sitting.

Then I caught myself thinking, "Wait... could this give the wrong impression?"

So I stopped.

I put my hand back on myself and went back to simply watching the movie.

A little while later, he leaned over and kissed me.

I kissed him back.

Not a bad kisser.

Not a great kisser either.

If that makes sense.

The movie continued.

I honestly felt like I was back in high school... trying to figure out if there was chemistry.

Then he asked if I wanted to finish the movie in his bedroom.

Truthfully...

I probably should have just said no.

Instead, here's what happened.

In my head, I thought:

"I don't mind finishing the movie in there. Watching movies in bed sounds comfortable. But I don't want him thinking that means I want to have sex."

So I said exactly this:

"I'm fine with finishing the movie in your room because it'll be more comfortable, but I want to finish the movie. I'm not wanting to have sex or anything."

Those were my literal words.

He responded, "Oh yeah... just to be more relaxed."

So we went into the bedroom.

We laid there watching the movie.

His arm was around me.

He rubbed my arm.

We kissed here and there.

He touched my boobs.

For me...

Boobs are just boobs.

Men seem to love them.

I honestly couldn't care less.

So him touching them wasn't some huge line for me personally.

I was still feeling things out.

What I wasn't doing was escalating anything.

I wasn't groping him.

I wasn't moaning.

I wasn't pulling him closer.

Did I shove him away?

No.

At that point, I honestly didn't think he was misunderstanding me.

We kept alternating between kissing, cuddling, and watching the movie.

Then he tried to go downstairs.

I stopped him.

I specifically told him he was NOT going downstairs.

He replied that he "just wanted to feel."

I said, "No."

Men.

I probably should have just left then.

Instead, we finished the movie.

We kissed a little more.

Then he asked me to touch him.

Seriously?

I said no again.

Something along the lines of, "That's not what I'm looking for."

He said OK.

We chatted a little longer.

He asked if he could take me to dinner sometime.

I told him we'd see.

Then I left.

The next morning, I took him to the airport because I'd already agreed to.

He kept calling me sweetie, babe, and honey.

When I picked him up, he leaned in for a kiss.

It honestly caught me off guard.

The same thing happened when I dropped him off.

Since then...

He hasn't called.

Honestly, I'm hoping he doesn't.

Not because I think he's a terrible person.

But because I realized we're simply not in the same place.

Now let's talk about all the cues that were missed.

Or maybe ignored.

I'm not perfect.

I could have been even more direct.

But that also could have come across as cold, rude, or like I was assuming the worst when maybe he meant nothing by it.

I genuinely wanted to get to know this man.

He was attractive.

Successful.

Financially stable.

Had a good job.

I truly don't know how dating works anymore.

But I know this...

My body language said I was friendly.

It also said there were guardrails.

When that wasn't enough...

I used my words.

In the end...

Did he violate me?

No.

Did he push my boundaries into a place where I became uncomfortable?

Yes.

The reason I'm telling this story isn't to shame him.

It isn't to shame men.

It isn't to shame myself.

It's to wake people up.

This man was former military.

Retired FBI.

Owns a successful business.

He's an intelligent man.

Am I really supposed to believe my body language invited him to keep pushing?

I don't think so.

I think he got caught up in the moment.

He stopped paying attention to the quiet cues and started treating my spoken boundaries like they were suggestions instead of rules.

I don't think he's a bad man.

I don't think I did anything wrong.

But I do think this is a wake-up call.

Maybe it was the age gap.

Maybe it was confidence.

Maybe it was assumptions.

Maybe it was simply two people who weren't in the same place.

Whatever the reason...

If you're dating, pay attention.

Really listen.

Watch.

Respect what the other person is telling you—with their body and with their words.

I shouldn't still be wondering whether I should have done something differently.

Maybe that's why I'm writing this.

Maybe that's why this becomes a post.

Or a podcast.

Or a video.

Because I know I can't be the only one.

This is the gray area of dating.

I've been part of the Me Too movement.

I wouldn't put this experience in that category.

But I do think this is the space where those bigger stories sometimes begin...

...when someone's boundaries aren't heard, seen, or respected.

And here's the honest truth.

Years ago...

In a different situation...

I might have frozen.

I might have simply submitted.

Out of fear.

I know that because I've lived it.

Past trauma has created more trauma.

But growth...

Growth has helped me find my voice.

Most of the time, anyway.

Baby steps.

Do better, everyone.

#Consent #Boundaries #RealStories #LifeLessons #Storytelling #WomenOver40 #DatingOver40 #DatingAfterDivorce