Consent is Sexy - Dating after 14 years

Consent is Sexy

Dating again after 14 years.

Let's talk about that for a moment.

At the time of writing this, I am almost a 48-year-old straight white woman. Does that matter? I don't think so, but those are the facts.

I'm a single mom with two teenage boys who have mental health and other struggles. But that's not why we're here. Different stories for different days.

Anywho... a little background. (Again, another story for another time.)

My boys are from one man. My last relationship was 14 years long, but it wasn't with their dad.

I am a serial monogamist.

Now I'm slowly dipping my toes back into the dating world.

Let's get something straight. I am not a prude by any means. If you ever get the chance to experience me behind the bedroom door, it'll probably be amazing, often, and craved... BUT that is not what I'm looking for.

That needs to be earned.

There are key factors in dating that I think we should all know.

I can only speak for myself, but I don't like to be a bitch. There are so many social cues that, at least in this story, I promise this woman was giving. But eventually, I had to stop relying on body language and use my words.

Let's paint the picture.

I decided to get on a dating app.

I knew absolutely nothing about dating apps. I wasn't in a hurry to settle down, and I wasn't looking to date around. I was simply ready to get back out there a little bit and learn how dating even works anymore.

No expectations.

Just learn how to talk to someone again with the possibility that maybe, someday, it could turn into something.

NOT a hookup.

If you know me, you know I'm pretty honest and blunt. So it wasn't like I hid any of this. I made it clear that I was brand new to dating again, had no idea what in the actual fuck I was doing, and honestly wasn't even sure what I was looking for.

What I did know was this:

I missed companionship.

I missed having someone to tell the biggest news to... or the dumbest thing imaginable because, somehow, they were the person you wanted to tell.

Got the background?

OK... let's move on.

I matched with someone.

Honestly, even matching freaked me out.

He had liked me first and sent me a short message. I went to respond, but in order to send it, I had to officially hit "Match."

That little button made me panic.

It delayed me responding.

But I did.

We messaged back and forth, exchanged numbers, and eventually met for lunch.

So far, so good.

We talked.

Well... I talked more. Shocking, I know.

Overall, it was a really nice first date.

I even told him that asking me to lunch made me feel comfortable because there weren't any expectations. I also explained that I was completely green when it came to dating again.

This was my first real date in over 14 years.

I don't think he realized he was my first date, but he absolutely knew I was new to all of this.

After talking a little more, we decided to have a casual dinner at his place.

I brought burgers.

We ate.

We watched a movie.

And I was nervous.

Is he going to expect something?

Do I need to say anything?

Is it weird if I bring it up before anything even happens?

I mean... we're just eating burgers and watching a movie.

He's also older.

I'm 47.

He's 59.

Surely he isn't trying to rush anything...

Right?

Meanwhile, all of this is running through my head.

Quick sidebar...

Some really bad shit has happened to me with men.

Although I'm a strong woman, there have been times in my life where men have overpowered me and things happened that never should have happened.

Again... another story for another day.

We finished eating.

He put his arm around me on the couch.

Honestly?

It reminded me of high school.

You'd go to the movies, and your date would finally work up the courage to put his arm around you.

Kind of sweet.

He started rubbing my arm.

That didn't bother me.

But I also wasn't leaning into it or encouraging it.

I wasn't upset.

I wasn't thrilled.

I was simply... there.

Watching the movie.

Trying to figure out if I was accidentally giving signals I didn't intend to give.

He kept rubbing my arm.

At one point, I rubbed his leg a little.

Nothing sexual.

Didn't move closer.

Didn't change how I was sitting.

Then I caught myself thinking, "Wait... could this give the wrong impression?"

So I stopped.

I put my hand back on myself and went back to simply watching the movie.

A little while later, he leaned over and kissed me.

I kissed him back.

Not a bad kisser.

Not a great kisser either.

If that makes sense.

The movie continued.

I honestly felt like I was back in high school... trying to figure out if there was chemistry.

Then he asked if I wanted to finish the movie in his bedroom.

Truthfully...

I probably should have just said no.

Instead, here's what happened.

In my head, I thought:

"I don't mind finishing the movie in there. Watching movies in bed sounds comfortable. But I don't want him thinking that means I want to have sex."

So I said exactly this:

"I'm fine with finishing the movie in your room because it'll be more comfortable, but I want to finish the movie. I'm not wanting to have sex or anything."

Those were my literal words.

He responded, "Oh yeah... just to be more relaxed."

So we went into the bedroom.

We laid there watching the movie.

His arm was around me.

He rubbed my arm.

We kissed here and there.

He touched my boobs.

For me...

Boobs are just boobs.

Men seem to love them.

I honestly couldn't care less.

So him touching them wasn't some huge line for me personally.

I was still feeling things out.

What I wasn't doing was escalating anything.

I wasn't groping him.

I wasn't moaning.

I wasn't pulling him closer.

Did I shove him away?

No.

At that point, I honestly didn't think he was misunderstanding me.

We kept alternating between kissing, cuddling, and watching the movie.

Then he tried to go downstairs.

I stopped him.

I specifically told him he was NOT going downstairs.

He replied that he "just wanted to feel."

I said, "No."

Men.

I probably should have just left then.

Instead, we finished the movie.

We kissed a little more.

Then he asked me to touch him.

Seriously?

I said no again.

Something along the lines of, "That's not what I'm looking for."

He said OK.

We chatted a little longer.

He asked if he could take me to dinner sometime.

I told him we'd see.

Then I left.

The next morning, I took him to the airport because I'd already agreed to.

He kept calling me sweetie, babe, and honey.

When I picked him up, he leaned in for a kiss.

It honestly caught me off guard.

The same thing happened when I dropped him off.

Since then...

He hasn't called.

Honestly, I'm hoping he doesn't.

Not because I think he's a terrible person.

But because I realized we're simply not in the same place.

Now let's talk about all the cues that were missed.

Or maybe ignored.

I'm not perfect.

I could have been even more direct.

But that also could have come across as cold, rude, or like I was assuming the worst when maybe he meant nothing by it.

I genuinely wanted to get to know this man.

He was attractive.

Successful.

Financially stable.

Had a good job.

I truly don't know how dating works anymore.

But I know this...

My body language said I was friendly.

It also said there were guardrails.

When that wasn't enough...

I used my words.

In the end...

Did he violate me?

No.

Did he push my boundaries into a place where I became uncomfortable?

Yes.

The reason I'm telling this story isn't to shame him.

It isn't to shame men.

It isn't to shame myself.

It's to wake people up.

This man was former military.

Retired FBI.

Owns a successful business.

He's an intelligent man.

Am I really supposed to believe my body language invited him to keep pushing?

I don't think so.

I think he got caught up in the moment.

He stopped paying attention to the quiet cues and started treating my spoken boundaries like they were suggestions instead of rules.

I don't think he's a bad man.

I don't think I did anything wrong.

But I do think this is a wake-up call.

Maybe it was the age gap.

Maybe it was confidence.

Maybe it was assumptions.

Maybe it was simply two people who weren't in the same place.

Whatever the reason...

If you're dating, pay attention.

Really listen.

Watch.

Respect what the other person is telling you—with their body and with their words.

I shouldn't still be wondering whether I should have done something differently.

Maybe that's why I'm writing this.

Maybe that's why this becomes a post.

Or a podcast.

Or a video.

Because I know I can't be the only one.

This is the gray area of dating.

I've been part of the Me Too movement.

I wouldn't put this experience in that category.

But I do think this is the space where those bigger stories sometimes begin...

...when someone's boundaries aren't heard, seen, or respected.

And here's the honest truth.

Years ago...

In a different situation...

I might have frozen.

I might have simply submitted.

Out of fear.

I know that because I've lived it.

Past trauma has created more trauma.

But growth...

Growth has helped me find my voice.

Most of the time, anyway.

Baby steps.

Do better, everyone.

#Consent #Boundaries #RealStories #LifeLessons #Storytelling #WomenOver40 #DatingOver40 #DatingAfterDivorce

Why I Work So Hard

Whether you are new to my blog or you are a follower, I thank you for reading and following my journey.

I originally started this to let anyone out there know they were not alone and they did not have to be a victim.  I have slacked on that, not because I have not wanted to help, more-so because I became a mother of 2 wonderful boys, one on the spectrum and still adjusting to autism and the life of being a single mom.  I know I will venture back to my past to help those in similar situations.  However, currently for my family, I need to focus on the now and the future.

I have a lot of support via email and Facebook as a single mom.  Personally and physically...not so much, as I am sure many of you experience.  I live out of state from the majority of my family, my ex left to our homes state and does not help out with our boys financially or with any of our son's services.  Yet he wants to stay in their lives via Skype.  It is what it is and I will write more on that journey I am sure.  But like many of you I struggle with finances and making ends meet.  I have asked for help but I hate asking for help.  I have always been a helper and I am sure because of that it is why it is that much harder to ask,

So, instead of asking (unless I absolutely have to), I do what I can.  I work full time at an amazing job which come July will be my 10 year anniversary.  I look for any jobs I possibly can do for odesk, I look at other work from home part time job options.  With it just being myself and my two boys, having a part time job away from home is next to impossible.  I sell things I no longer need at all as well as donate.  I am an extreme couponer in which I have taught many on how to save money.  Now, I am an It Works Rep.  I am confident in their product which is why I chose to be a distributor.

I do all I can for my boys.  I taking any classes I can to be more educated about Autism for my son and others affected.  I try to help other families learning.  I volunteer with the Autism Society of Colorado.  There is not much of a free moment in my life, bit I would not change a thing.

I know it will all work out.  I know I will always find a way to provide for my boys.  For them I do all I can to make all our lives better!

Walk With Autism

Autism Society of Colorado is hosting their 3^rd Annual “Walk With Autism” event on June 14, 2015.  Please feel free to find more info or create a team here.

I had the pleasure of creating a team for my son Wyatt last year.  It was my first year getting involved and making a team.  All in all it was a huge success.  My goal was to raise $500, since it was my first year.  Our team raised just under $2300.00!!!!  Boy was I impressed.  The awesome thing about the money raised is ALL money STAYS in COLORADO to help families with services and such.

 

The event last year was so fun.  There were a few vendors, entertainment, Waldo on Stilts, Balloon Man Maker, Reptiles, Food and more.  It is a beautiful lake you walk around and there is a park for all the kiddos to play at.  Such a great Family and Friends event spreading awareness on autism, sharing stories and meeting some wonderful people you can now call friends.

Walk with autism in your life whether it be you personally, a family member or a friend, you know how lost and overwhelming you can feel.  I know for the longest time I felt so alone and unsure of what steps to take next and what was the priority for benefitting my son the best.  I have attended some classes and I plan to attend many more so I am as educated as I can be for my son and other’s affected.  Research and theories are constantly changing and we still do not have an official cause.  The numbers keep rising and we are currently at 1 in every 68 people are somewhere on the Spectrum.   It is more common in boys.

There is so much we can all do to help spread awareness, be more accepting and help teach those affected with Autism how to learn and succeed their way.

Please feel free to join and or donate to my son’s team WalkWith Wyatt.

Like Walk With Wyatt Community Page 

Easter Weekend 2015

What an amazing weekend.  The weather was perfect and there was so much fun family time.  On Saturday we went to Waterton Canyon.  All in all the mild hike was just over 8 miles.  I could not believe the boys did so well.  Of course when we had about a mile left, the complaining started….ha ha

We saw so many deer and big horned sheep.  The boys loved it.  They were hoping to see a snake and other animals, but these were just fine.  There were people fishing in the river and the boys would watch for a few.  Of course there were snack and potty breaks along the way.  We ate lunch at Lion’s Den and played in the grass for a little and then started our way back down.  At about the 2 mile mark from the car, we stopped at a lake area.  The younger boys stripped to their boxer briefs and played in the water, sand/dirt and with the rocks while the big boys skipped rocks. 

We were there from about 8:45am to 3pm.  The sun was shining and there was a cool breeze keeping the weather absolutely perfect the whole day.

The drive home, my boys fell asleep in the car.  That was very nice.  Then I showered them then me.  We grabbed a few things and then off to dye eggs with friends and family.  The boys had so much fun.  We had a wonderful BBQ dinner and just enjoyed our company.  A perfect Saturday in my opinion!

Easter the boys woke up, they found their eggs.  We had some oatmeal and just did normal weekend stuff for a bit.  The boys watched a show while I got some cleaning and laundry done. 

The boy’s dad arrived in town on Sunday as he had court on Monday.  So, I took the boys over to their Memaw’s house where they were able to spend a few hours with their father.  I was there the whole time as I was just not OK leaving them alone with him.  The boys have not seen their dad since he moved back to California at the end of February.  So, it was nice they got to see him even if he did not come out to visit his boys.

All in all, Easter Weekend 2015 goes down in the books as an awesome weekend.  We have not had those in a long time and I plan to do things like this much more often.

Struggling

I am a single mother of 2 boys, one on the spectrum and I work full time.  My soon to be ex and I have 2 boys together.  Our marriage had been struggling for a while and I tried really hard to work things out and be a family.  There was a lot of anger issues with him and depression issues.  I suffer from depression as well, but I am dealing with it with my doctor and I am on low dose medication.  I feel there is nothing to be ashamed of.  

Our youngest son was diagnosed with Autism on March 17, 2012, just a little before he turned 2, I decided at that point to end my marriage so I could focus on our 2 boys and this new journey through Autism.  At the time, he was the stay at home dad and I told him we would need to discuss what needs to be done since he is home with the boys.  The next day, he brought a U-Haul and took all his stuff and whatever else he wanted and left.  I had 1 day to find a sitter and I was just hit with the reality of my son’s diagnosis and all we have ahead of us.  

Since March 18, 2012 my ex has maybe had the boys a total of 30 days added up, he has not helped out financially at all and he is not involved with any of our son’s services.  I paid for his cell phone for over 2 years, as I would not have the boys there with no way to contact them.  When he did take the boys, I would usually need to give him food or money so he could care for them.  Rather than tell him he cannot have the boys because he could not care for them, I helped make it happen.  

From then till the end of 2013 I had been doing amazing financially with getting everything paid up and not living exactly paycheck to paycheck.  All without any of my ex’s help.  Then at the end of 2013, there was the first of 3 family emergencies where I would have to get myself out to California (which is where the majority of my family live, none really in Colorado where the boys and I are).  My grandmother was going to have surgery in November 2013 where the doctors stressed they did not think her heart would handle the surgery.  Thankfully she is still with us, but she has been in and out of the hospital or nursing homes since, I made another trip for another scare.  She and I are very close and family is the only thing that makes living in Colorado hard.  However, Colorado is my home (at least for now). In June 1014  my dog had an emergency surgery on her ear.  Then I was participating in one of the many 5K's I do, I had fallen and tore my ligament in my thumb.  I had an emergency surgery if I wanted to use my thumb ever again properly.  With all that happening and no extra income coming in, I actually had my car repossessed (which I have gotten back) and I have been struggling so hard since about the middle of last year.  

I have asked my ex for help with them and he always saying he cannot.  Then at the end of February 2015, my ex decided to say goodbye to our boys and leave to go back to California.  So, now it is just us.  I have a great full time job that I have been with for 10 years.  I am trying to find work from home jobs at night and weekends so I can pay my bills.  I have done some work on oDesk, but that is not making a real difference yet.  I am selling all that I do not need.  Unfortunately, I am not in a position to get a part time job away from my home.

I am actively taking classes and finding out any information I can for my son on the spectrum.  I am helping with the Autism Society of Colorado again this year.  I always help out anyone I can whenever I can no matter if that means I go without.  I have taught myself to be an extreme couponer so I can afford to keep food on the table.  I have shared my couponing with many others to help them save.  However, no matter what I do, I just keep getting further and further behind and I am very scared I will be losing the home we rent and possibly more.  I am ashamed to have to ask for help and I am still trying every avenue I can to bring  money in.   And now I am an It Works Rep, again doing all I can to bring in more income for my family.  It Works Page  FaceBook It Works Page

Thank you so much for reading this.  Even if this does not touch your heart to donate to my go fund page, a prayer for my family and I that it will all work out would be always welcome.

"Naked"

I still hide today.  From my family, my husband, my friends.  I only tell my husband what he wants to hear, for the most part.  When things are tough on me, I can't tell him.  Him and I have never been emotionally connected like that.  I don't think he truly knew how much baggage I had when he got into all this, even though I told him.  I may not have gone into detail, but I told him my whole family is crazy and on one drug or another.  He knew bad things by men had happened to me, he knew I gave a child up for adoption.  I am pretty damn honest, and for that, I guess I speak mainly of my past, rather than my present.  No one ever knows how I feel now.  Just how I felt.  I know my pain or my shit causes people discomfort.  I know I have a lot, I mean a lot all wrapped into one.  But I am pretty good at putting that out there.  What I am also great at, is showing how strong I am.  How much I can handle this.  How I don't need your help or support.  You don't see me cry on the way to work or when I am sleeping.  In the shower where I lay and just try to stop thinking about whatever it is going on.  I do this to myself.  I tell certain people certain things for their benefit or because I can't deal with the judgement that one person has for me.  I am all for you telling me when I am wrong or how I need to chin up, but, I am not willing to listen to you tell me what I should do or what you think is best for me.  Since no one can show me they will truly love me wholeheartedly for me, I show certain people certain pieces.  It is how I cope.  It is how I continue to look at the bright side through all this shit that is handed to me and the shit that I am dealt and the shit I am willing to take at the moment.  No one else gets to choose this but me, yet because everyone feels they have the right to tell me what I should do with it all, I have the right to choose who I tell and how.  Here, on this blog, is where I will be pure.  Here is where I will poor my truth, here is where I will tell all.  People can read and people can comment, but here, I can lay it all out and I can then choose what I will read in response and what I will ignore.  Everyone needs a true out, but like most, we hide certain things because we just need to vent or cry or whatever without your opinion.  If we feel we cannot get that when we need it, we will tell what we need to, to get by, and just hide the rest.  The hard part is, the parts we hide for whatever reason, that builds up and one day you want to explode.  I am great at covering up.  I really am.  I hate that I am, and I hate that I am not making millions on screen because, as sad as it is to me, I can fool you all.  I hate that I have such control over my emotions.  I hate that I seriously can make someone know nothing what-so-ever is going on or wrong with me when I am dying inside.  I grew up hiding secrets.  Everyone thought I was the happiest person they knew.  My mom was a drug addict and dealer.  I was not to tell anyone of her lifestyle.  I say things you see in movies for those who don't know.  For example, the movie CASINO, I cannot watch that.  The only reason is because this child actor possibly learned about drugs seeing Sharon Stone do a line (fake I know) off glass while getting paid....that was my life.  For that scene alone, I can never watch that movie again.  As for my family, to be honest, I am not sure who knows what about me or my up-bringing.  I mean I know the ones who partied with my mom and I know the ones that I have told certain things to, but I am not sure if those people blabbed or not.  You never know who you can trust and there are people I know I feel I can, but even they have turned out to say something or break the trust in one way.  For the most part, I bottle the actual hurt up.  I am not sure why.  See, I want to tell my stories, I want the possibility of even helping just one person, if that can happen, but I am never completely true in the moment.  I don't know why.  I hate that I don't know why.  I am not sure if it is because it is what I am used to or if I am just plain scared.  I feel like I am not scared, but I feel like blaming it on what I am used to is a cop-out.  Thoughts???  Like anyone reads this....see that is the self pity I have talking there.  As of right now, I know 2 close people who read this, I pray knowing this does not alter what I want to write and I pray it does not make them judge me or look at me differently than they do now.  I do need this for me.  I need to be completely open and "naked".  One day it would be nice to hear something in response, but for now, this is good therapy for me and a great outlook as always that one day my pain or joy may possibly help someone else.  I am a big believer on hope, you need it to survive,  I really wish I could be completely naked to just one true person.  I guess for now, I will have to accept being naked to the world (even though no one is listening :)  )

Sweet Dream.

Homecoming Court

My senior year I was part of the homecoming court.  I was so shocked.  I was not a nerd, but I was by no means popular.  I knew most all crowds in school but I was not really a part of once particular group.  I am happy about that.  But it turns out the original 20 candidates for the homecoming court are selected by teachers.  So, when I hear that, being on the list of 20 was not that shocking.  A lot of teachers liked me.  What was shocking was when I remained one of the top 5.  That is up to the students, so I was not expecting them to vote me as one of the 5.  I was not sure about all this.  In fact the first I heard that I was part of the 20 I wanted to have myself removed.  See I was a very angry girl towards my mom.  My mom always wanted me to be in Cheerleading and on the Homecoming Court.  So, when I first heard this news, all I wanted was to have nothing to do with it as it would give my mom so much joy.  I know, I was a teenager.  We all have issues with our parents….LOL  I actually left my classroom when the announcement was made because I had such conflicting feelings about being on the court.  But when I found out the 20 were picked my the teachers and the students will vote for the top five and ultimately the Homecoming Queen, I was OK with hanging around in the court for a week.  I seriously did not think the students were going to keep me.  Otherwise, I would have dropped out.  Then when the actual Homecoming Court was announced and my name was still on there, I actually was really upset.  I really had no desire to be on the court.  But I did.  My boyfriend at the time told me it was an honor and I should be happy.  So, I worked on that.  We all knew who was going to win and we were all OK with it.  They make you take a picture the morning of the Homecoming Game as the queen with all the other nominee’s around you.  So, we took 5 pictures with each of us as the queen.   They announce the winner at the Homecoming Football game, during halftime.  That might have been the only Football game I attended my whole time at High School.  Probably not, but I did not go to many J   All the women on the Homecoming court was to be walked up with their father.  That was another thing I was not so sure of.  See, the part where my dad is a part of the homecoming court, that made me actually really happy when I found that out (see, I am such a daddy’s girl).  But my dad is ALWAYS late to everything, so I was nervous about that. My dad was late on getting his tux fitted.  First scare.  My dad was to be there at either 7 or 7:30.  I cannot really remember.  What I do remember is that I told my dad he had to be there actually 30 minutes before he really needed to be there in hopes that he would not be late.  Well, he made it just in time to walk me up, but pictures were already taken with the girls and their dad.  So while each girl on the court got their picture taken all dressed up with their dad’s all snazzy in their tuxes, I had my picture taken with my boyfriend who was in his OVHS long sleeved shirt and a corduroy jacket.  That is the picture I have in my senior year book with all the other girls with their dad.  So, I was so sad that moment was not the special moment I had so hoped for.  In fact, it was the only good thing that was coming out of this stupid court thing.  At least that is what I felt.  I give my dad jokingly crap about this from time to time, but to be honest, I am not sure he knows just how hurt and disappointed I was by this.  I should be used to it, and I told myself that then to feel better.  But I was crushed.  Not many really good things happen to me and this was something that in my eyes that was going to be really good and special for me and my dad, but as usual, it was a good thing gone bad.