Depression has come on in for the moment.
You know how you can handle the big shit over and over and
over again. Not a blink or flinch. You just do it. No questions, no arguing, no debating. You just do it. Adulting.
It is what we do.
Then you have a day where just all these small things
happen. Small things that should not
affect you because you conquer the beasts with ease. So why are these tiny little things that, in
the scheme of life, mean nothing, tear me down so much?!
If you are like me, you are always looking out for
others. A people pleaser never wanting
to disappoint anyone. Not even my worst
enemy. If you can go through a trial so
someone else has just a speck of ease, I will.
It genuinely brings me joy.
But then a day like yesterday happens. Small little hiccups that, yes put a wrinkle
in my plans. But then something else
small happens and you are like, “whoa, hold up.” You breathe and get through these things. You have now opened your mind to the
“problem” and now all your other problems come rolling in. And if you are like me, when I allow those
moments, it gets……DARK. I go into full
self-pity mode. But I also get angry
with myself for being in pity mode. So
that adds to the stress. Me arguing with
me about how I need to stop being in this funk and just move on.
So now something that just felt overwhelming is now crippling. Breathing is hard, staying focused on
anything is impossible. My mind jumps
all over. I say things I do not mean and
I keep quiet the things I want to say. I
feel almost like I am on the outside watching myself struggle with absolutely
everything and knowing these are the most simple things. Why is thinking hard? Why is focusing so hard? Why is all I want to do is cry?
Depression can be debilitating and it can happen in a snap
of the fingers. Like I woke up just fine
yesterday. The day before had a hiccup I
needed to deal with but I was OK. Until
I was not. I was just doing my day and
BAM! I cannot smile, my eyes are welling
up and I am beyond confused why all these emotions are here now and fast.
And there is nothing wrong with depression. It can be healthy. Until it is not. I know I need to be open and honest with me
when I am in these moments. And I am…..for
the most part. I will tell my people,
reach out to my therapist if it comes to that, but even when being vulnerable,
I am still thinking about others. Am I
telling them too much, am I being a burden, why is this bothering me so much,
they are going to think I am silly.
Because it is not just what got you set off. It is now all the things ever in your life
that happened where you were wronged, hurt, let down or just left alone. Then I start beating myself up because I have
come so far. And then I will stop
focusing on what I have overcome and focus now on all my failures. Where I fell short in my eyes or where I feel
I fall short in other’s eyes. It is a
vicious cycle.
In these moments I feel unworthy of love. I am too difficult. Too needy.
I rarely ask for help or what I need in that moment. Not because I am not deserving of it. But what if they say no or they cannot? That adds a whole other layer of sadness,
disappointment and depression. So, I try
to do it all on my own always. And I
will ask for help when it is either too late or almost too late or when I am
collapsed and have no other option but to cry out for help and admit whatever
is going on in that moment.
The Devil is hitting hard right now. I've spent the last 24
hours stuck in this darkness. My mind is bouncing everywhere. Not getting any words out just easily and how
I want. Normally I can slow myself down. Right now, I feel trapped.
Today, I am a little better - not great. My mind is still all over the place, but I
can stop and focus a little. I still
want to cry a lot. But I do feel some
peace. I have taken a few walks at work. I will either do the gym or paddle boarding
after work and if that does not help, or get me out of it, I will take a
drive. But today is the last day I'm
letting the darkness be in the center stage.
Is it just that easy?
Short answer….NO. However, I have
thrived in just being happy. And for the
most part I genuinely am happy. But man
have I been through a lot of shit. So, I
have two choices. I can choose to sit in
the dark where my mind would keep me for who knows how long. Or I can put on a happy face, smile and fake
it til I make it! Which I have been
doing that for as long as I can remember.
Not to be someone I am not. But
to not let the darkness lead my path. It
can stay with me, it can walk beside me and even hold my hand keeping the storm
over my head. But I will not allow it to
take my daily peace. I can find the good
in almost anything and I strive for that all the time. Even in my darkest times, I want to bring
just one person a smile. Let them know
it will pass. They are not alone.
So, I remind myself that I too am not alone and what do I
want to do with it all. I pray a lot, I
listen to a lot of music and I will watch trash TV just to shut things off if
only for a few minutes.
I need to believe that all these trials and tribulations
happen in fact for a reason. Some I have
been blessed to understand why. Others I
am still waiting to understand. But if
it is not for a reason, then really shitty things just happen to me all the
time for no reason. That is a scary
thought and what has almost sent me over the edge many years ago on multiple
occasions.
I want to be very clear—I really am OK. I'm in a funk. I'm
depressed. I'm hurting. But even in my darkest moments, I still want to be
here. I have dreams I haven't reached yet. I have two boys who still need their
mom, a bonus daughter with her husband and my grandbabies. I have people to
love, places to see, stories to tell, and a life I still want to live.
So today, I'll keep praying. I'll keep walking. I'll keep
listening to music. Maybe I'll paddleboard. Maybe I'll watch trash TV. I'll
keep putting one foot in front of the other until the light finds me again.
Because it always has.
This too shall pass.
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