My home has cameras all over. I have locks on everything. I have a list of amazing people who are informed about any small or big things that happen. Some of that is because of my boys. And some of it, as much as I don't like admitting it, is because I live a little paranoid after all the horrible shit I have been through—the abuse, sexual assaults, and more.
Although I never really felt it would come to life or death, I knew the reality of it getting there could happen, even when you think it never would.
So, people knew. If something happened to me, they knew where to look. I was leaving a trail, just in case.
Like all things, there is a spectrum of domestic violence, and none of it is more or less acceptable. The hurtful words. The blame. The guilt. Being scared in your own home. Finding reasons not to be there. No longer trusting the person who is supposed to be there for you, help you through life, and just love you.
The rage gets more and more frequent. The self-awareness and preparation start. And not always, but sometimes, then comes the physical abuse.
You question everything because how did YOU let it get this far? How did you let them stay?
For me, it was back and forth, and in the end, they refused to leave.
There is never just black and white in domestic violence. It wasn’t all bad. They were not always like this.
In my life, having that extra person, that extra adult in the house—even though unpredictable—sometimes felt safer because of everything else I deal with with my boys and more. Sometimes just having another adult there during mental health situations is everything you need to know that we will all get through it physically OK.
But was it worth it?
Short answer: no.
The treatment. The fear. The isolation. And now, looking back, seeing how it probably did not help my sons’ mental health situations either.
We do what we think is best in the moment, at the time, with the information we have. But there is still the guilt. Why did you let it go on so long? You knew better. You would never let a friend stay in this. And on and on.
I am a strong, independent woman. I advocate for just about anything I am passionate about. Yet I allowed this behavior to happen to me, in my home, and somewhat to my boys.
Yes, I have grown and learned, but not without a lot of self-hate along the way.
I will never allow anyone to treat me that way again.
My self-worth is coming back. I know what I deserve, and I know what I bring to the table.
And if you have ever looked into what can actually be done in these situations, you know how frustrating the system can be. So often, very little can be done to the abuser until there is hard proof or something happens that allows the system to intervene. Meanwhile, the victim is often the one expected to leave, uproot everything, change routines, protect themselves, document everything, and figure out how to stay safe.
Unfortunately, I know this firsthand.
There were multiple domestic violence calls made to my home.
There was one where they would have gone to jail sooner, but the guilt, the fear, and so much more took over. I made another excuse. I said no, I didn't want them to go to jail. I just wanted them to be forced to stay away for a day or something.
Seriously, it was the shitty Gabby Petito story (we know how that ended) that had me thinking there would be some kind of mandatory separation—that they would make us stay away from each other for at least 24 hours. Instead, what I was given was essentially two choices: they take them to jail, or the police leave and the two of us remain as we were.
And I couldn't make that decision at the time.
Another time, a call was made before 11 p.m. The police did not arrive at my home until around 4 a.m. Think about how much could have happened in those hours. I locked myself in my craft room and slept there until the police woke me up at 4 in the morning.
And the solution I was given? I could leave.
My home. One hundred percent my home. Not theirs.
Yet the easiest solution was for me to leave it.
I remember telling them they would take my dead body out of my home before I willingly left it.
That is part of what people don't always understand when they ask why someone doesn't "just leave" or "just call the police."
Sometimes you DO call. Sometimes you have already been preparing. Sometimes you have cameras, locks, people who know what is happening, and a trail of documentation. And you can still find yourself right back in the same house with the same person when the police leave.
Eventually, when they put their hands on me and I was able to show the police the recording, it wasn't my decision anymore. Once the police had the evidence to establish probable cause for domestic violence, Colorado law required them to make an arrest.
And that is how they finally left my home.
In handcuffs.
It is a sad reality when it can feel like the person being abused has to change their entire life while the person causing the abuse gets to change nothing.
If you have been there, are there now, or know someone who is, you are not alone. I am here if you need to talk, cry, vent, heal, or anything else.
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