I was not an older wiser person to wait and lose their virginity. I was young and stupid. Well mostly stupid. Long before I decided to have sex (yes long before the early age of 15) I knew that with or without protection, I could get pregnant. See, my mom is great with kids but in my opinion should have always been the favorite aunt (which she was). And my mom was really not too young compared to some girls. She was 18. However, I always knew I had choices should I ever become pregnant, unplanned. Since as far as I could remember, I have wanted nothing more than to be a mom. The full ultimate dream was straight out of the 20-50's era with wanting to stay home with the children and cook and clean for my husband. And it still is a far fetched dream in my mind. Probably always will be. I was the typical 5 year old, but this dream held true my whole life, and still does. However, also being "raised" in the family and environment I was raised in (yes, I promise to get to that) I wanted to do it on my terms. Also, to me, abortion was never an option. That is just for me and that is long before I ever knew my mother had one after having me. So, I knew that if I had sex, there was always a chance I could get pregnant. Even with protection, I knew there was a chance. Thank goodness I realized that early on since I am fertle mertle :) So, I knew that should I become pregnant, I would either raise the child or give the child up for adoption. And if you slept with me, you knew this too, even at the young age of 15 when I gave it up. I also told the boys I was with (because face it, even my husband was a boy up until a few years ago and sometimes still is) should I become pregnant and decide to raise the child he could either be in their lives or not, should we not be together (since not all the boys I slept with, I was in a relationship with). If he wanted to be in their lives then yes, he shared financial responsibility, but if he was not, then no legal or financial responsibility was there either. Again, these boys knew this. I was pretty honest and blunt, even in my young age.
So my terms were without the major help of family. Especially since to be completely honest, there is not one member of blood I felt I could ever truly go to for help financially and structurally to my terms of raising a child. Not that the ones who raised me or raised others did a "bad" job, just not what I have wanted or want. I am a mother now and I do not meet all my expectations sometimes, and I do beat myself up over it. But it make me strive to continue to be the mother I have always wanted to be. I don't always learn the first or even the second or third time completely, but I acknowledge and do my best to do better the next time I am faced with a challenge or something I feel I did not do right. I did not want to need to need anyone to have a child. So when I became pregnant at the not young but not at all old age of 21 it did not take much to decide.
I was late. When not planning to get pregnant, we all hate the dreaded we are late experience. And I was on the pill, so I had sugar pills to remind me I should be on mine. So, I told my boyfriend that I needed to get a test. We were both scared and just wanting to get it over with. However, the day I decided to take a test was the day we needed to be there for a friend. Which of course was no big deal, but made the day seem to drag on and on since we knew what was to come. Anyhoo, I got the test on the way home. I took it before my boyfriend even got there. When I read the results in the bathroom, I started to cry. My best friend was there with me as well, and when I walked out, my boyfriend had my favorite flower, a yellow rose. He saw the tears and knew. I knew we were not ready. I was no child and I wanted to be a mom more than ever, but I knew this was not the time. I am not sure if he was 100% on board but he knew it was the right thing. I mean, if it were truly up to him, I would have had an abortion, but he knew my feelings on that. And when I told him that these would be the options should I get pregnant (to keep or adoption, in case you cannot follow my awful writing), I don't really think he thought we would ever have to make that decision. And even though I knew that was always an option for me, up until that point (yes the ripe old age of 21), I never thought I would be in that position. See, we had been together over a year and stayed together over a year after. So, it is not like it was just "some guy." He was with me every step of the way and I could not have asked for a better partner, friend and lover to go through this with.
I did all the research on finding an agency, since with the exception of knowing I would possibly do, I knew nothing about adoption. Thankfully, I found and amazing agency. Or at the time I thought it was. And I called A LOT of places and met with a few. The process was simple for us and we set up a few phone interviews with a few people we had read profiles on after we mentioned some areas we thought were important. You do not realize until you are talking with couples who want a child so bad, that certain things really do matter over others and vice versa, even knowing you are not keeping the child. But then again, not keeping this child did not mean I did not want this child raised with anything less than I would want. Otherwise, face it, I would be keeping this child. There were people I talked to that made me so sad because I knew I would not be choosing them to be the parents of the child I am carrying. Then the amazing phone call happened. The people who would become this child's parents. I knew on the phone. I knew the day I met them. However, we waited a full day after meeting them to call and tell the agency they were the ones. I was so happy to find the perfect parents for this child. There was however, one stipulation. Should something happen and I could never have children after this (knowing obviously at the time of pregnancy or birth), I would keep this child, even though I knew I could not raise them the way I had planned. That was one dream I was not willing to ever give up. Thankfully, that was not the case. I could not be more happy with my decision. I know I was meant to have this child for this family. There has never been anything more perfect or sure in my life. I was blessed with finding them 3 months into my pregnancy, so they were able to experience it all with me.
The decision has always seemed very easy to me. Maybe because when I said those things to myself and others about the choices if I got pregnant were true and in my head it prepared me. Or maybe it was because I found the perfect family. But I believe all things happen for a reason. I believe God has always implanted the strength to do this before I knew I ever would.
I also believe that God has given me the strength to share my stories. With all the pain and joys I have endured over my life thus far, I have always had a passion to reach out and help others if I could. Maybe one day, someday, my story or stories will help someone get through their darkest hour. I have had my share. I have tried to end my life and been in the hospital for it. I have had my pity parties and there are days I pray for a break. But that being said, I believe no one really suffers more than anyone else. Some readers may think I have been through a lot and other will think, been there done that, what now. We all suffer and no matter how big or small we or I think it is, that person knows this feeling as the same suffering feeling we feel whether rich or poor. I have always felt this way. And sometimes I take the sympathy when I need it, but usually I tell those that it is no different than how we all feel when we suffer or hurt.
