"Naked"

I still hide today.  From my family, my husband, my friends.  I only tell my husband what he wants to hear, for the most part.  When things are tough on me, I can't tell him.  Him and I have never been emotionally connected like that.  I don't think he truly knew how much baggage I had when he got into all this, even though I told him.  I may not have gone into detail, but I told him my whole family is crazy and on one drug or another.  He knew bad things by men had happened to me, he knew I gave a child up for adoption.  I am pretty damn honest, and for that, I guess I speak mainly of my past, rather than my present.  No one ever knows how I feel now.  Just how I felt.  I know my pain or my shit causes people discomfort.  I know I have a lot, I mean a lot all wrapped into one.  But I am pretty good at putting that out there.  What I am also great at, is showing how strong I am.  How much I can handle this.  How I don't need your help or support.  You don't see me cry on the way to work or when I am sleeping.  In the shower where I lay and just try to stop thinking about whatever it is going on.  I do this to myself.  I tell certain people certain things for their benefit or because I can't deal with the judgement that one person has for me.  I am all for you telling me when I am wrong or how I need to chin up, but, I am not willing to listen to you tell me what I should do or what you think is best for me.  Since no one can show me they will truly love me wholeheartedly for me, I show certain people certain pieces.  It is how I cope.  It is how I continue to look at the bright side through all this shit that is handed to me and the shit that I am dealt and the shit I am willing to take at the moment.  No one else gets to choose this but me, yet because everyone feels they have the right to tell me what I should do with it all, I have the right to choose who I tell and how.  Here, on this blog, is where I will be pure.  Here is where I will poor my truth, here is where I will tell all.  People can read and people can comment, but here, I can lay it all out and I can then choose what I will read in response and what I will ignore.  Everyone needs a true out, but like most, we hide certain things because we just need to vent or cry or whatever without your opinion.  If we feel we cannot get that when we need it, we will tell what we need to, to get by, and just hide the rest.  The hard part is, the parts we hide for whatever reason, that builds up and one day you want to explode.  I am great at covering up.  I really am.  I hate that I am, and I hate that I am not making millions on screen because, as sad as it is to me, I can fool you all.  I hate that I have such control over my emotions.  I hate that I seriously can make someone know nothing what-so-ever is going on or wrong with me when I am dying inside.  I grew up hiding secrets.  Everyone thought I was the happiest person they knew.  My mom was a drug addict and dealer.  I was not to tell anyone of her lifestyle.  I say things you see in movies for those who don't know.  For example, the movie CASINO, I cannot watch that.  The only reason is because this child actor possibly learned about drugs seeing Sharon Stone do a line (fake I know) off glass while getting paid....that was my life.  For that scene alone, I can never watch that movie again.  As for my family, to be honest, I am not sure who knows what about me or my up-bringing.  I mean I know the ones who partied with my mom and I know the ones that I have told certain things to, but I am not sure if those people blabbed or not.  You never know who you can trust and there are people I know I feel I can, but even they have turned out to say something or break the trust in one way.  For the most part, I bottle the actual hurt up.  I am not sure why.  See, I want to tell my stories, I want the possibility of even helping just one person, if that can happen, but I am never completely true in the moment.  I don't know why.  I hate that I don't know why.  I am not sure if it is because it is what I am used to or if I am just plain scared.  I feel like I am not scared, but I feel like blaming it on what I am used to is a cop-out.  Thoughts???  Like anyone reads this....see that is the self pity I have talking there.  As of right now, I know 2 close people who read this, I pray knowing this does not alter what I want to write and I pray it does not make them judge me or look at me differently than they do now.  I do need this for me.  I need to be completely open and "naked".  One day it would be nice to hear something in response, but for now, this is good therapy for me and a great outlook as always that one day my pain or joy may possibly help someone else.  I am a big believer on hope, you need it to survive,  I really wish I could be completely naked to just one true person.  I guess for now, I will have to accept being naked to the world (even though no one is listening :)  )

Sweet Dream.

Homecoming Court

My senior year I was part of the homecoming court.  I was so shocked.  I was not a nerd, but I was by no means popular.  I knew most all crowds in school but I was not really a part of once particular group.  I am happy about that.  But it turns out the original 20 candidates for the homecoming court are selected by teachers.  So, when I hear that, being on the list of 20 was not that shocking.  A lot of teachers liked me.  What was shocking was when I remained one of the top 5.  That is up to the students, so I was not expecting them to vote me as one of the 5.  I was not sure about all this.  In fact the first I heard that I was part of the 20 I wanted to have myself removed.  See I was a very angry girl towards my mom.  My mom always wanted me to be in Cheerleading and on the Homecoming Court.  So, when I first heard this news, all I wanted was to have nothing to do with it as it would give my mom so much joy.  I know, I was a teenager.  We all have issues with our parents….LOL  I actually left my classroom when the announcement was made because I had such conflicting feelings about being on the court.  But when I found out the 20 were picked my the teachers and the students will vote for the top five and ultimately the Homecoming Queen, I was OK with hanging around in the court for a week.  I seriously did not think the students were going to keep me.  Otherwise, I would have dropped out.  Then when the actual Homecoming Court was announced and my name was still on there, I actually was really upset.  I really had no desire to be on the court.  But I did.  My boyfriend at the time told me it was an honor and I should be happy.  So, I worked on that.  We all knew who was going to win and we were all OK with it.  They make you take a picture the morning of the Homecoming Game as the queen with all the other nominee’s around you.  So, we took 5 pictures with each of us as the queen.   They announce the winner at the Homecoming Football game, during halftime.  That might have been the only Football game I attended my whole time at High School.  Probably not, but I did not go to many J   All the women on the Homecoming court was to be walked up with their father.  That was another thing I was not so sure of.  See, the part where my dad is a part of the homecoming court, that made me actually really happy when I found that out (see, I am such a daddy’s girl).  But my dad is ALWAYS late to everything, so I was nervous about that. My dad was late on getting his tux fitted.  First scare.  My dad was to be there at either 7 or 7:30.  I cannot really remember.  What I do remember is that I told my dad he had to be there actually 30 minutes before he really needed to be there in hopes that he would not be late.  Well, he made it just in time to walk me up, but pictures were already taken with the girls and their dad.  So while each girl on the court got their picture taken all dressed up with their dad’s all snazzy in their tuxes, I had my picture taken with my boyfriend who was in his OVHS long sleeved shirt and a corduroy jacket.  That is the picture I have in my senior year book with all the other girls with their dad.  So, I was so sad that moment was not the special moment I had so hoped for.  In fact, it was the only good thing that was coming out of this stupid court thing.  At least that is what I felt.  I give my dad jokingly crap about this from time to time, but to be honest, I am not sure he knows just how hurt and disappointed I was by this.  I should be used to it, and I told myself that then to feel better.  But I was crushed.  Not many really good things happen to me and this was something that in my eyes that was going to be really good and special for me and my dad, but as usual, it was a good thing gone bad. 

The Knott's Dance

Did your school have those?  Our High School had a dance each hear with 4 High Schools participated and Knott’s Berry Farm was closed to the public and just the people from the high schools who bought tickets could go.  It was neat and I only went to it once.  The very first year they did it.  We went as a group.  It was about 6 of us.  One of the parents in the group was the one who picked us all up and took us.  My mom was the one who was picking us all up at mid-night and bringing us all home safely.  Well, you can imagine my concern here.  See my mom starts drinking by dark everyday if not earlier.  I made my mom promise EVERYDAY for over a month that she would not drink until after she picks us all up.  Every time, she promised she would not drink until she came and got this.  Even with her promising every time I asked, I did not let 1 day go by where I did not make her promise.  I guess I felt if I did this and was persistent, she would have the strength not to drink, not to disappoint me this once.  

So we spent 4 hours at Knott’s, dancing, eating and riding rides.  It was so much fun.  The time flew by.  None of us were ready to leave when the clock stuck midnight.  But they were closing and asking us all to leave.  So, we did.  Us and hundreds of other kids.  We waited for a while before I saw my mom’s van to pick us up.  We didn’t care, we were chatting and having a great time.  My mom could have taken forever, for all we cared at that moment.

My mom pulled up with my cousin Andrew in the passenger seat.  Not sure why.  Maybe they were hanging out and she did not want to go alone to get the high schoolers.  But then I smelt it.  The very familiar scent of Jose Cuevo Gold.  I felt like I was smacked in the face by a huge bottle.  That is the way my mom always smells.  I went from pure happiness and bliss to anger, disappointment, fear and shame.  Some of my friends knew of my mom’s drinking and drugs, and some did not.  The worst in my opinion is that she brought a SOBER driver and he was in the passenger’s seat.   I waited all of maybe 5 minutes before I just started yelling at my mom.  Telling her that she is irresponsible driving all these kids while drunk.  I asked her if I should let all the parents know she was trashed when she picked us all up and that you had a sober drive which you refuse to let drive (technically her insurance did not cover drivers under 25 and my cousin was not 25 yet, so that was her excuse).  Some of my friends were asking me to stop and to leave it alone.  I was pissed and I was not going to stop.  I told them that she is risking all our lives by driving drunk and that your parents would not appreciate it.  I told them I had made my mom promise for over a month that she would not drink.  Man was I so embarrassed. 

I am not sure why, but I really thought making her promise would make her come through.  But I should have known then and I have since always known, if it is not about her needs, there is a chance they won’t be met.  Don’t get me wrong.  I feel everyone has the right to live their life the way they want and they are entitled to be selfish.  But only if they are single.  If you are a parent and have a family, it is no longer about you.   But call me crazy, that is just my personal opinion J

Well hello there Penis……

My first view of the male parts in person was not what most expects it to be.  My friend Jackie, Jenny and I were having a yard sale to make some money for our club.  I don’t remember our age.  But we were all new to the double digits in age, although my friends were a year older than me (twins).  A car pulled up.  We all kinda looked at each other and then I made my way towards his car.  His window was down.  I said “Excuse me, can I help you.”  I was hoping to make some money J  He moved his eyes downward to have me look down.  On his lap was a map book (Thomas guide or whatever they are called) but it was almost hanging off his lap, and then I noticed that his pants were down and his penis was right there.  He wanted me to see.  I was like “OK.” And I walked back to which he drove off.  Then I told my friends all about it and they were in shock.  We were not sure what to do.  We told my mom I think and then told their mom later.  My mom had us clean up for the day. 

But wait, there is more.  He apparently liked our neighborhood and the girls that lived there.  He proceeded to come back several times to see which one of us he could see and share.  He drove by on his motorcycle once all hanging out.  Where we lived, there was an alley behind our houses where the garages where.  He would spend lots of time there all hanging out for anyone to see.  He approached one of my friends in her driveway in the alley.  She was all alone.  Luckily it seemed all he wanted was to share his junk with the world as he never got aggressive or angry with any of us.  Nothing ever came of this and eventually he stopped coming by.  Maybe the cops got him, I really don’t remember.  But what a weird experience.  Who does that?

A Taste of My Childhood

OK, I keep hinting that there is something that might help if I tell you a little bit about growing up in my household.  There are still more stories on bad things that have happened to me with men, and I will get those out eventually.  Just like this little blog on my childhood will only be a speck to what all I grew up in.  So let’s rip the band aid off.

My household growing up was filled with drugs.  My mom was a user and a dealer.  The drug was cocaine.   To this day, I can say I have only smoked pot and drank.  Seeing my mom live her life like this as well as so many other family members, drugs were just not really on my list.  And to be honest, outside of cocaine and pot, I am not 100% certain I could identify any drugs.  I am not sure if that is a good or a bad thing.  But it is what it is. 

I knew which family members and which friends of the family were on drugs from a very early age.  I can remember being 5 and seeing coke on the coffee table in my mom’s room.  At the time, I was not aware what it was.  At about 8 I figured out for sure what my mom and all the others were doing.  When I was around 5 or 6 I saw white powder on one of my mom’s dressers and I for some reason thought it was sugar.  That was the first and last time I ever tried cocaine.  Let me tell you, it tastes nothing like sugar….LOL

A typical day in my house would consist of my mom sleeping until who knows when.  My brother and I would wake ourselves up, get ready for school, there was usually a few bucks for lunch and we would walk to school.  If you woke up late, waking up my mom to drive us was not something we ever wanted to do.  My mom had a part time job working for herself cleaning houses.  She would do this a few times a week and then every night she would go out drinking until the bar closed.  At 2:30am every morning, I would be woken up to my mom getting sick.  You would think she would know her limit….LOL  When I was younger, she used to drive me to my grandma’s where my grandma and her would go out drinking and then every night I was woken up a little after 2am to be put in the car for my mom to drive us home.  And every night at about 2:20am when we would pull up to our house, I would tell my mom I am sleeping in the car.  I never did.  I would get to sleep and then be woken up by my mom getting sick.  Boy was I tired as a child and very thankful when she finally realized being alone at my house is the same as being alone at my grandma’s, but this way, I am not being woken up every night at 2am to go home.

There is so much more to write on this, but it will be another time.  I promise you this, not all my stories and memories are bad.  But they all make me the person I am today.  Sure, there are things I wish I could change or erase, but that would change who I am now and I like who I have become J

My Choice on Adoption

I was not an older wiser person to wait and lose their virginity.  I was young and stupid.  Well mostly stupid.  Long before I decided to have sex (yes long before the early age of 15) I knew that with or without protection, I could get pregnant. See, my mom is great with kids but in my opinion should have always been the favorite aunt (which she was).  And my mom was really not too young compared to some girls.  She was 18.  However, I always knew I had choices should I ever become pregnant, unplanned.  Since as far as I could remember, I have wanted nothing more than to be a mom.  The full ultimate dream was straight out of the 20-50's era with wanting to stay home with the children and cook and clean for my husband.  And it still is a far fetched dream in my mind.  Probably always will be.  I was the typical 5 year old, but this dream held true my whole life, and still does.  However, also being "raised" in the family and environment I was raised in (yes, I promise to get to that) I wanted to do it on my terms.  Also, to me, abortion was never an option.  That is just for me and that is long before I ever knew my mother had one after having me.  So, I knew that if I had sex, there was always a chance I could get pregnant.  Even with protection, I knew there was a chance.  Thank goodness I realized that early on since I am fertle mertle :)  So, I knew that should I become pregnant, I would either raise the child or give the child up for adoption.  And if you slept with me, you knew this too, even at the young age of 15 when I gave it up.  I also told the boys I was with (because face it, even my husband was a boy up until a few years ago and sometimes still is) should I become pregnant and decide to raise the child he could either be in their lives or not, should we not be together (since not all the boys I slept with, I was in a relationship with).  If he wanted to be in their lives then yes, he shared financial responsibility, but if he was not, then no legal or financial responsibility was there either.  Again, these boys knew this.  I was pretty honest and blunt, even in my young age.

So my terms were without the major help of family.  Especially since to be completely honest, there is not one member of blood I felt I could ever truly go to for help financially and structurally to my terms of raising a child.  Not that the ones who raised me or raised others did a "bad" job, just not what I have wanted or want.  I am a mother now and I do not meet all my expectations sometimes, and I do beat myself up over it.  But it make me strive to continue to be the mother I have always wanted to be.  I don't always learn the first or even the second or third time completely, but I acknowledge and do my best to do better the next time I am faced with a challenge or something I feel I did not do right.  I did not want to need to need anyone to have a child.  So when I became pregnant at the not young but not at all old age of 21 it did not take much to decide.

I was late.  When not planning to get pregnant, we all hate the dreaded we are late experience.  And I was on the pill, so I had sugar pills to remind me I should be on mine.  So, I told my boyfriend that I needed to get a test.  We were both scared and just wanting to get it over with.  However, the day I decided to take a test was the day we needed to be there for a friend.  Which of course was no big deal, but made the day seem to drag on and on since we knew what was to come.  Anyhoo, I got the test on the way home.  I took it before my boyfriend even got there.  When I read the results in the bathroom, I started to cry.  My best friend was there with me as well, and when I walked out, my boyfriend had my favorite flower, a yellow rose.  He saw the tears and knew.  I knew we were not ready.  I was no child and I wanted to be a mom more than ever, but I knew this was not the time.  I am not sure if he was 100% on board but he knew it was the right thing.  I mean, if it were truly up to him, I would have had an abortion, but he knew my feelings on that.  And when I told him that these would be the options should I get pregnant (to keep or adoption, in case you cannot follow my awful writing), I don't really think he thought we would ever have to make that decision.  And even though I knew that was always an option for me, up until that point (yes the ripe old age of 21), I never thought I would be in that position.  See, we had been together over a year and stayed together over a year after.  So, it is not like it was just "some guy."  He was with me every step of the way and I could not have asked for a better partner, friend and lover to go through this with.

I did all the research on finding an agency, since with the exception of knowing I would possibly do, I knew nothing about adoption.  Thankfully, I found and amazing agency.  Or at the time I thought it was.  And I called A LOT of places and met with a few.  The process was simple for us and we set up a few phone interviews with a few people we had read profiles on after we mentioned some areas we thought were important.  You do not realize until you are talking with couples who want a child so bad, that certain things really do matter over others and vice versa, even knowing you are not keeping the child.  But then again, not keeping this child did not mean I did not want this child raised with anything less than I would want.  Otherwise, face it, I would be keeping this child.  There were people I talked to that made me so sad because I knew I would not be choosing them to be the parents of the child I am carrying.  Then the amazing phone call happened.  The people who would become this child's parents.  I knew on the phone.  I knew the day I met them.  However, we waited a full day after meeting them to call and tell the agency they were the ones.  I was so happy to find the perfect parents for this child.  There was however, one stipulation.  Should something happen and I could never have children after this (knowing obviously at the time of pregnancy or birth), I would keep this child, even though I knew I could not raise them the way I had planned.  That was one dream I was not willing to ever give up.  Thankfully, that was not the case.  I could not be more happy with my decision.  I know I was meant to have this child for this family.  There has never been anything more perfect or sure in my life.  I was blessed with finding them 3 months into my pregnancy, so they were able to experience it all with me.

The decision has always seemed very easy to me.  Maybe because when I said those things to myself and others about the choices if I got pregnant were true and in my head it prepared me.  Or maybe it was because I found the perfect family.  But I believe all things happen for a reason. I believe God has always implanted the strength to do this before I knew I ever would.

I also believe that God has given me the strength to share my stories.  With all the pain and joys I have endured over my life thus far, I have always had a passion to reach out and help others if I could.  Maybe one day, someday, my story or stories will help someone get through their darkest hour.  I have had my share.  I have tried to end my life and been in the hospital for it.  I have had my pity parties and there are days I pray for a break.   But that being said, I believe no one really suffers more than anyone else.  Some readers may think I have been through a lot and other will think, been there done that, what now.  We all suffer and no matter how big or small we or I think it is, that person knows this feeling as the same suffering feeling we feel whether rich or poor.  I have always felt this way.  And sometimes I take the sympathy when I need it, but usually I tell those that it is no different than how we all feel when we suffer or hurt.

Date Rape

So this one is also a tricky one.  So many people are told it is not rape because it was a friend or someone you were sorta dating.  Well, that is what happened to me.  I was kinda dating someone.  It was a teachers son, and at one point he had gone to school with us and then was later transferred to a “better” school".  Look, I was no virgin and I have no issues having sex with whoever I want, when I want.  I did not care if I was considered easy, I felt my choices were in fact my choices.  Now I have not slept with hundreds of men, I have slept with less than 20 men in my whole life.

It was the summer after High School graduation.  We had gone out a few times and I had known him for 4 years so it was not like meeting someone new.  One night we were at my house making out.  Things were getting pretty heated and I was OK with that.  However, I knew tonight I was not going to have sex with him.  And I told him this.  I said, “We can make out and do just about everything, but I do not want to have sex.”  He was like no problem.  So we continued.    Things seemed to be going good, however, I said to him again, “We can do everything but have sex.”  He then confirmed that this was just fine. 

Well, as the title says, that is obviously not what happened.  At one point I felt his hands grab my hips and I froze.  It was an awful feeling and I knew right then and there we were going to have sex.  I did not know what to do or say.  I was frozen there, thinking of my past bad experiences with men and thinking, “really, I know him, we talked about all this, this really isn’t going to happen is it?”  He then lifted my body up and sat me on top of him.  I did nothing, he did it all.  I just lay there frozen on top of him thinking this is actually happening.  The worst part, my mom was home in her room.  I could have screamed but I couldn’t physically scream.  I kept thinking, I know this guy.  His dad taught me science.  What are people going to think since we had mutual friends.  For the sad record, only one of our many mutual friends believed me.  Some of my close friends believed him over me.

He called me and threatened me.  His brother and friends threatened me at home and at work.  And I knew he and his friends had guns and they were rich spoiled brats with no curfew or rules.  I was fearing my life for a jackass and no one believed me.  Turns out I ended up getting pregnant with his baby, but I did not know it until I was miscarrying.  I miscarried at a work meeting in the restroom.  It turned out to be a blessing, there was no knowledge so there was no attachment what-so-ever.  There is always light in everything, no matter how horrible it is or how small it may be.

I did get to feel a little personal justice later that summer.  See he was still trying to defend himself to so many people (if he didn’t do anything, why would he have to keep at it, and why was this not a sign to people that I was telling the truth, I may never know) and he went to the one person who believed me.  They talked for a few hours and all she kept asking him is “did she ever say no.”  She did not care about anything but wanting to know if he in fact knew I said no.  Finally after one of the times she asked him he said “yes.”  It is her word against his and these things never lead to a positive outcome, so he in fact got away with it 100%.  I am not sure if I did the right thing not telling the police but that is how it panned out and there is no point now.  As you know, even if I did call the police, there was slim to no chance anything would have happened.  It is really sad that woman choose not to tell because they are pretty sure nothing will happen and if they tell, then the story is out there.  Most woman do their best to push it aside and not tell anyone what happened to them.

A few years had gone by a me and 2 of my friends were skating up Newport beach when I saw him and his brother.  I again froze.  But I froze in a sense of Skating the hell out of there.  My friends could see my happy outlook immediately change to horror and painful memories.  Once we were far enough away I knew I could slow down and stop, my guy friend with us said he would take care of him right now for me.  How sweet, but none of us went back to where they were.  If I never see him again it will be too soon.

Now don’t get me wrong, I have healed and I can talk about this in hopes to help others, but this is one that was never 100% addressed, so the horror feeling I get thinking about this or heaven forbid I see him again, well, it just may never go away.  But it is a good reminder that even people you know are not always worth your trust.  Yes my gut spoke to me, and I listened, half heartedly.  See my gut said to stop when I told him we would do everything but sex.  But I figured I had the situation under control.  Obviously not.  Remember this, if your gut is wrong, you always still have your life if you listen regardless.

I am a very lucky girl.  The statistics are 1 in every 3 woman are sexually assaulted in one way or another.  I used to say I was the girls who beat the odds because my number is greater than 3 separate occasions and I am only 1 woman.  Maybe not the best saying, I stopped that long ago when I got older and wiser :)


10/14/11 Update, So on 10/12/11, Facebook suggested I be friends with the boy who date raped me. Even though I have dealt with this, when I got the suggestion, it stopped me, and I was shaking and sweating like a pig for hours. It is one thing when it is me controlling the situation, but when someone or thing else controls it, you just don't know where your emotions are going to take you.

Molested

I think I was 8.  I know it is weird to say I think, but all I know is that I believe that is the age I was but I cannot remember.  But now that I am thinking about writing this, 8 seems older than I remember me being.  Who knows, all I know is what happened in great detail.  It is funny how our mind will forget some things but then every other little detail you remember like you recorded it.  So here it goes.

My grandma used to have parties all the time when I was younger.  She still does but not as often.  I used to be work behind the bar and make everyone their drinks.  For a young girl, this was way awesome!  Look at me, the little bar tender.

Anyhoo, the party winded down at some point and it was time for my mother to pack me up and drive us home (yes she was very intoxicated, but she did this every night of my live for longer than I can remember).  As we were getting ready to leave there were 2 guys who were too drunk to drive and my grandma was out of room for guests to crash.  So, she asked my mom if they could come home with us and stay the night and my mom can bring them back over tomorrow to get their car.  My mom said yes.  Why wouldn’t she.  I mean these were friends of my grandma or someone.  So they came home with us. 

Now even though it was late when we got home, I still got up at like 6am.  So, I got up and started my normal routine…..into the living room to watch my cartoons!  Out to the living room I went, then I stopped.  I forgot those guys had stayed the night.  I stood their staring at them wondering if I could still turn on the TV quietly and watch until I could go outside.  Well, if you remember the beginning of this, I was 8 or younger, so I turned on the TV and start to watch the cartoons.  Well, one of them woke up.  He said it was OK and he scooted next to me.  He sat really close. He started to rub my arm.  I thought it was weird but my stepmom and I would tickle each other’s arms all the time and I loved it.  That is what it felt like.  So, I went with it.  After all, these were friends of my grandma’s.  She would not ask bad people to stay with us.  So I brushed off that little gut feeling I had. (As I have said before, woman, NEVER ignore your gut!!!!!)  Well, then he started rubbing my legs.  But I still thought, he has to be nice, he is a friend of my grandma’s.  And the I am going to get in trouble for waking our guest sank in a bit which also cause me not to react to what he was doing.  Then it happened.  His hand was under my panties touching my unmentionables.  I knew this was not right but I did not know what to do.  I have no idea how long I was actually thinking before I got up and said, sorry I have to go potty.  I locked myself in my room until my mom took them back to my grandma’s.

A week had gone by and I told no one what had happened.  I felt I was in the wrong.  I woke our guest and I was going to get in trouble if I told my mom what had happened.  This was what I felt anyway.  But I could not shake the feeling that this was not right.  This week my mom was also very sick.  I really thought she was going to die.  So, I figured I would tell her.  She was too weak to get mad at me and she would be dying soon so I don’t have to worry about her being mad at me for long.  My mom was in my grandma’s bed resting when I came in.  I stood there a long time just staring at her.  She kept asking what.  I just stood there.  About 5 minutes later I finally spoke.  “Mom, last week when those guys stayed over, I woke one up when I wanted to watch cartoons.”  Look of irritation washed over her face and I thought about not saying anything else.  But I mustered up the courage to tell her the rest.  She got so upset and was crying and said she would kill him.  Turns out he was a friend of a friend.  They were staying at Los Cabos on Euclid and he had left his jacket at my grandma’s.  Without my knowledge, my mom took me there with her to drop off the jacket.  We left it at the counter and when she told me what we were doing, I freaked.  I could not have my mom drive past Los Cabos ever again.  It was a horrible reminder and I would cry when I saw the sign.

Fast forward many years later.  I am a Sophomore in high school.  I never really came to terms with all this until then.  My boyfriend at the time Mom’s was taking me and her other children (not my boyfriend as he was at college) swimming.  I was very excited until where I saw where we were going swimming at……Yep, Los Cabos on Euclid (it was a pool club thing for the moderately wealthy).  I froze before we walked in.  I explained it all to my boyfriend’s mom and she immediately said we could leave.  I told her it was OK.  That was the best thing I ever did.  For the first hour, I kept looking over my shoulder (like he would still be staying there), waiting for him to just come up to me and say hi.  Not that he would recognize me, but I figured it would happen anyway.  The day carried on and I was able to stop thinking about it and enjoy myself.  I can now drive by there with no issues what-so-ever, however, I have never been back there again to swim and I can say with 100% certainty, I never will.  Not because I have bad memories, but because I no longer live in that state…..LOL

After The Tanning Salon

If you did not read the blog just before this one, you might want to before you read on.  Otherwise you will be just lost.

Before he actually went to jail and the business was closed, I received several hang up calls as well as just breathing calls and a few messages.  Basically when he did speak or leave messages he would say how I am ruining HIS life.  I did feel a little bad about that.  That is just who I am.  No matter the situation.  Luckily, I no longer feel bad or have guilt there.  My boyfriend waited outside the salon for a while one day and the man just paced back and forth.  My older brother even stepped forward and was very protective of me over this.  Don't get me wrong, I love my brother and not just because I have to.  But we have never really had a close relationship and as adults we live in different states and we do not have a lot in common.  It was sweet that they did this for me.  But to be honest, it really didn't help.  Every noise, every knock at the door, every time the phone rang and even every time the door in my classroom at school, my heart would stop and I would wait to see if it were him.  The counselor suggested I carry a journal with me and whenever I was getting anxious to just write. I took it everywhere with me.  I tried to go back to school right away.  To make it is if it did not happen.  But I was constantly in my journal and crying in all classes and breaks.  I could not be at school.  I did not feel safe.  I did not feel safe at home either, but I did feel a little more comfortable.  I missed a lot of the second semester of my Junior year and that is why I went to summer school that year and that year only.

What was especially hard for me with all this was my dad.  See, I am a total Daddy's girl.  I love him so much even though I feel he should have done some things differently (which is it's own blog when I get there one day) and even when he really screwed up, it was like he could do no wrong.  Mind you in my older age, I am aware that in fact he has and always will make mistakes and be in the wrong from time to time like everyone else.  Anyhoo, back to the tanning incident.  He did not really want to talk about it and to this day I am not sure if he knows all that happened in full detail.  He put the 2 of us in a Karate class so I could learn self defense, and it was really nice taking a class with my dad.  The incident made me want to focus and learn, but the incident also had my mind constantly going that I could not fully focus.  We had only taken a few classes when my dad and I were sitting in the Bronco still in the parking lot of the rec center.  He looks at me and he tells me he doesn't understand and I MUST have done or said something to make that man feel he could go in my room or that I provoked him.  I cried and I started to say what happened again and he was like you must be leaving something out.  There is no way this could have just happened.  Now I know what you are all thinking, what an asshole.  Well that is kinda what I was thinking too.  I could not believe my ears, I could not believe my dad thought I was lying.  He never said anything for me to realize when I got a little older that it was not him being an ass.  It was him so scared and in shock that this could happen to his baby girl that he was hoping I was lying and that it was not real.  That does not excuse his behavior nor does it change the fact that I was hurt and very disappointed in him.  We did not talk for quite some time after this.  I could not look at him.  And I could not be around him if he could not believe me.  It took him a very long time to finally talk with me about all this.  It was a nice long conversation but not much was said.  I mean it was like we were going over the basics over and over again without going into detail.  Maybe it was easier this way for my dad, and deep down I was still such a daddy's girl and he made an effort to resolve things, and in my book that was OK.  Now maybe that is not OK to some or maybe I let my dad off a little easy because my mom hurt me so much and even though I was angry with choices my dad was making with me and living at my mom's, he still was the better parent.  At least that is what I thought then.  Now I am not saying that my parents were horrible, but I am not saying they were great.  But what child ever says their parents were perfect?  Look I made it to adulthood, they must have done something right....ha ha

For the longest time, I could not got to a tanning salon.  It was just not a place I would come even close to, even with all woman staff.  However, somewhere in my mid 20's I found myself at one again.  Did a month pass and it was mixed gender employed and I did great.  I did not go alone the first few times for fear of PTS, but I did go.  Now I don't go now and I don't remember the last time I went.  But I no longer have any fear of the tanning salon.  To me a tanning salon is just that, a tanning salon.

Junior Year - The Tanning Salon

I was 17, and my boyfriend was on the student counsel.  I had actually never wanted to attend Prom until I was a Senior, but as I said, my boyfriend kinda put it together so I kinda felt like I should go.  And I was always could have fun at dances, so who cares that I had never planned to go before my Senior year.  Plus, I was a pretty good girlfriend.....ha ha ha

Well since up until a few weeks before I had no real motivation to shop for a dress, and I was always in my pool.  I figured I should go to the tanning salon to make sure whatever dress I decided on, there would be no issues.  Now I am not one of those girls who cared really about her appearance.  I was a jeans and a T-shirt kinda girl.  Never wore make-up (in fact I do not own any make-up now), and my hair would usually start down with being in a pony-tail before 1st class was over :)  Anyhoo, back to the tanning salon.  So, I got a week or month or something so I could remove my tan lines.

I went I believe a total of 4 times in a week in a half, then I HAD to stop.  See the owners son was running the business as she was sick.  He was late 30's early 40's and very chatty.  The day of sign up, he was just friendly and professional.  Told me a little about the options and the creams and his dream of owning a tanning cream vending machine.  I know, a 17 year old is like, wow, he must be lonely here.  Whatever, when he was done I politely excused myself to the room for me to do what I came to do.....tan  Locked the door, off went the clothes, on went the music, down I laid for 20 minutes.  Boy does music help the time go by.  When the time was up, I got dressed, said good-bye (which he wanted to talk but I gave an excuse so I could be on my way).

The next few times he was very chatty.  Got some information out of me, like where I went to school and if I was in any sports.  Nothing crazy.  He talked about about another girl at a different high school that was in sports and had a baby and such.  Just small talk really.  Nothing that I felt I should be concerned about.  However, I did feel the butterflies when I was there and this was not the first nor the last thing in this category to happen to me.  I now never doubt my gut and I warn all women to do the same.  It is never wrong.

My last visit.  My mom dropped me off (usually I rode my bike) and she was due back in 30 minutes to pick me up and then we were to go to Happy Hour.  Well, I got a late start because he was extra chatty and not in a good way.  He told me he would love to take me to Hawaii and he could make my dreams come true.  I was not sure what to say or do.  I was scared, shocked, wanting to leaving, feeling I shouldn't.  My mind was running so fast that he almost had to wake me out of it, which scared me again. I told him I was a little rushed and I needed to get to tanning.  I thought I should just act normal.  So I went to my room, locked the door and tried to do my tanning.  I laid in the bed, put my headphones on and started the music.  I very quietly wept and kept thinking how did this go from way over there to way the hell over here???  I did not get to the room until about 10 to 15 minutes after I got there.  Apparently my mom arrived and he told her it was busy and I just finally got into a room and to come back.  So, angrily she did.  All of a sudden there was no music and the top of the bed had been raise.  He was standing there.  Looking at me.  He had unlocked the door and had came in where I was lying there naked!  He said he had something very important to tell me.  He said he loved me.  And he said he loved me from here (touching my breast where my heart was) not there (touching just the upper right area where your womanly area and your thigh meet.  He told me he was he had not had sex in 3 years and he could throw me down and fuck me right there, but this was not about sex.  This was about love.  I said OK as he was saying these things.  Then he said he would let me get back to tanning and he loved me.  He waited, then said "What do you say?"  I replied, "I love you too."  What else was I to do.  I stay standing, dressed, waiting for the time to run out.  Then waiting like I was then getting dressed.  As I was starting to leave there was a couple joining.  He was giving then the tour and info about the beds.  He asked me to clean bed 5.  I was like my mom will be here any minute.  Then he told me how she had stopped by and she would be back soon.  So I went to clean the room.  Once he got the couple set up in rooms, he came to room 5 and closed the door.  He said, "I meant everything I said and I love you deeply and purely." I stayed quiet until I told him I really need to go.  But not without him getting me to say I love you to him one last time.

By then my mom was waiting outside for me.  She had a look of rage.  See, I had made her late for plans that we had to meet her friends at Mario's.  She immediately starting telling me how upset she was.  I told her I did not want to go and to please drop me off at home first.  This was not an option since I had already made her late and this was before cell phones were everywhere.  I let her yell, continuing to say I just want to go home. We pull into Mario's parking lot and it hits her.  She stops mid-sentence and says, "What did he do to you?"  I could only say, "I just want to go home."  She grabbed her 2 friends, we went home.  Rhonda stayed home with me, while Terry went with my mom back to the tanning salon, where low and behold, his GIRLFRIEND was picking him up!  I was not there, but I am told that the moment he say my mom, he threw his hands in the air and said he did not do anything to me.  Mind you, my mother had not said one word.  Well, at least so I am told.  My mom knew what happened as I told her before she left once we got home.  So she actually just kinda blurted to his girlfriend what kind of man he was.  Then she came home.

I was.....well, not myself to say the least.  We called the police and they sent some 2 men out.  I HAD to have brownies and I would not stop talking about it until Rhonda finally went and got me fudge brownie mix and chocolate chips.  I had to do something, anything but just sit there.  The brownies were in the oven when the police arrived.  I told them they would be done soon.  I really cannot remember who ate them.  Those details faded completely away.  I gave my report.  Long story short, he spent 1 week in jail, the business was shut down, and oh that was it.  Apparently he had other complaints but they were all women over 18.  The girl from the other high school would not say anything.  So it was my word against his and in the long run, nothing happened.  All this and what happened in general messed me up big time.  I could not sleep, I could not eat, I would cry all the time for random times.  I slept in my moms room many nights.  See, he had my address from when I joined, he knew what high school I went to and some basic information.  I would imagine him everywhere.  I thought he would show up at my house or school.  I went to counseling and  and I was told that I did exactly the right thing.  If I had ran or fought in any way, he could have gotten very physical.  So, I guess my weird instincts to stay was the safest route in this situation.

I missed a lot of my junior year and ended up having to take some summer school.  But I made it to prom :)

Memory Lane

I wrote this June 19, 2008

As most of you know.  I am baby crazy….LOL  But the good news is, not too much longer before we start to make a baby!!!!!!!!!  What a wonderful feeling for me.  The anticipation kinda stinks, but I will live.  So, with that.  This morning, while driving to work I started thinking about the day I gave birth to Brooke on June 30, 2000.  I got all teary eyed, so I had to stop, since I was driving.

Labor Day ~:)

My work (Lowe’s) made me stop working on June 27.  So, I was kinda enjoying my time off.  But getting bored as well.  I woke early as usual, around 6am.  People were calling me all the time to see if I had “popped”  I knew when I woke up on the 30^th that it was the day.  It is very strange how you can just know these things.  I totally went into a “nesting” faze.  I cleaned the whole house and showered.  I then woke my boyfriend at the time and father up.  And it went a little something like this, “Hey, you need to get up and take a shower, today is the day and I need to take care of a few things before we go.”  He had to take it all in for a moment and then he flew out of bed…..HA HA

So, he showered and then we went to our work to get our paycheck and to inform work that he would not be in.  Now, I had been having small contractions every minute in a half since about 9am and it was around 10:30am at this point.  We had a small issue with his immediate supervisor.  So, we just went to the store manager and he of course said it was fine.

Now being that it was the end of the month, you know what that means….RENT.  So, off to my bank to cash my work check.  While waiting in line my contractions stayed still a minute and a half apart but they were starting to get more and more painful.  By the time I was at the bank teller I was using my breathing techniques.  The teller was a young male and I really think he was afraid I was going to give birth right then and there.  I asked him to cash my check and went on my way.  Mind you I had the whole bank staring at me all wondering the same thing…..Am I going to deliver this baby here.

Now, after my bank, I needed to put rent money into my roommate and one of my closest friend, Bonnie’s account.  So, off to her bank we went.  This time I sent my boyfriend in to deposit the rent money.  I was having difficulties moving at this point.  All I could think off is where is my 5 minutes in between contractions…..LOL

So, as my boyfriend was in the bank I started to realize I had not eaten.  I know what you all are thinking.  On the way home I tell my man I want some food, so Del Taco here we come.  By the time we got there I was only in the mood for a Sprite.  And then we went back to my house.  Where my boyfirend started keeping track of the contractions and called the doctor.  Our roommate was there with his two small daughters.  They kept asking what was wrong as I was in a lot of pain.  But not too much……yet  HA HA

So, the doctors told us to drive to them which was 30 minutes away rather then straight to the hospital which was 10 minutes away.  I sometimes wonder about people’s thinking.  So, off to the doctors we go.  All I want to do at this point is sleep.  But those darn contractions will not let me.  We arrive at the doctors, and my sister-in-law Jennifer works there so she was very excited to see me.  As we were waiting in the waiting room, there was a couple there and the woman must have been about 7 months along.  I had a contraction and had to breath through it of course and when I was done, she asked me if I was in labor.   I politely said yes, but in my head I was thinking “Seriously, she is going to have a baby?!?!?!?!”  HA HA  In to the room we went.  I was measured and told I was only at 1 centimeter and to go home and walk and wait before I went to the hospital.  Now, maybe I was over reacting a little, however, under the circumstances I think I was allowed….LOL  I was like there is no way I am going home and walking.  This baby is coming.  Mind you this was around 2ish.  As I was getting off the table bed thingy, I had another contraction and nearly bit off my boyfriends shoulder.  The nurse new it was time for me to go to the hospital.  Smart thinking, I thought.

I finally got into a bed at the hospital around 3 and by then I was at 3 centimeters.  I was given morphine for my pain and it wasn’t until that moment that I felt weak and could not do this.  I had been having contractions all day a minute and a half apart and I was tired and I thought, I cannot do this.  I do not have the energy.  Then the adoptive parent’s arrived and I knew together we could do this.  The morphine helped with the pain a little.  But it wasn’t until the epidural that life began to seem great.  My dad was there and he watched them give me the epidural.  All things were possible now.  The doctors kept advising me to get some rest until it is time.  But now I felt great, I was excited and there was no way I could sleep.  I started to get hungry again.  I asked for food, they gave me ice chips.  What is up with that man…..LOL

Once I got to 7 centimeters I stopped dilating.  So, I was given betosin (no idea on the spelling) to help that along.  She arrived at 11:07pm.  It was such a wonderful day.  And the next day Bonnie and Liz brought me my fav…TACO BELL and a Belle Barbie Doll.  It was perfect!!!!!

Now when you look at the actual time, yes it seems like a very long labor.  But it actually seemed to fly by.   Well, thanks for reading my memory!

Random Writing

Do you ever hurt deep down to the core?

Do you ever feel like you are drowning, like your clothes are on and they are weighing you down?

Does someone important to you ever make your heart stop, and not for the right reasons?

Do you ever feel so alone because people would rather judge than listen and be there for you?

Do you ever feel you too need to listen more and judge less?

I have been this person.  I am this person more often than I would like to be.

You are not alone.  I am not alone.

It may sure feel like it, and you may need to cry your eyes out, that is OK.

I keep my head high even through all the pain.

It helps remind me that even in the dark, I am blessed for all I have and for what I don’t have.

It’s hard.  Life is hard.

All things worth it are.

Unplanned Pregnancy

Have you ever had one?  I have....In fact, I have had a few.  WOW, I am not looking too good, am I....LOL  Well, I was not sure how to start my very first "Ask Angela" Blog (which who knows if anyone will ever read).  I need to figure out how to make an About Me tab, which I will look into very soon.  Anyhoo, back to the topic.

As of this post, I am 32 years old.  Nothing will ever change from here on how many pregnancies I will have.  I had the ESSURE procedure done after my second son was born last year.  After you read this post, you will see why I needed something permanent.  That being said, this mama can no longer have any babies :)

To give you some back ground on me and the subject.  I became sexually active at the way too early age of 15.  I knew then that having sex with or without protection I could get pregnant or get a disease.  So, I tried to be extra careful, even at the dumb age of 15 thinking I was ready.  Man if I could go back and tell myself that sex that young was not meant to be, I would.  I mean it is painful and awkward and all around, you don't truly enjoy it until you are much older.  And then it is wonderful!  No offense to the first boys in my life.  I cannot imagine I was all that great either, although they say it is different for guys...who knows.  Back then, I told my first that if I become pregnant, I would either keep the baby or give the baby up.  I would not have an abortion (I will get back to that) and should I choose to keep the baby, I would not hold him accountable to finances unless he wanted to be that babies actual dad.  I did not want a child with a father who walks in and out of their lives.  And you know what, that 15 year old boy who I was dating, slept with me anyway.  WOW, we were some smart Freshmen :)  As for the abortion thing, I feel it is wrong.  And it was never an option for me as I knew I could never live with myself had I ever done that.  I do have friends that have done it and I have been there with them through the process.  Just because I personally think it is wrong, doesn't mean I think you are wrong, if that makes sense. I have been pregnant a total of 5 times, only one planned.  So here are my unplanned (and 1 planned) pregnancy stories.  Enjoy!

Let's see, accidental pregnancy numero 1~ I was 18, and it was a date rape (that is a whole other blog, so I will leave that at that).  The stress of it all ended in a miscarriage.  It was for the best and my only worry at that time was that maybe something is wrong with me and I may not be able to have children (that so was not the case).  The miscarriage happened very early on, in fact that is how I found out I was pregnant.  So, it was never an emotional attachment thing.  Yes, I was on birth control bills and the strongest ones.

Numero Dos~ 21 years old.  This is a good one that also will have to be in another blog in full detail.  My boyfriend and I at the time were not planning on a family.  I was late (on the pill as well, mind you, I never missed one, they were like a natural part of me, my life, just everything).  So, I picked up the test and he met me at my apartment.  I came out crying and he knew.  He had brought my favorite flower, the Yellow Rose.  He of course wanted me to have an abortion, which I re-told him, that will never be an option.  I was not ready, he was not ready, WE were not ready.  I have always dreamed of being a mother, I have a big family and I have been around children of all ages my whole life.  However, I did not want raise a child needing help.  I wanted my child to have everything they deserved.  Even though I ultimately made the decision, my boyfriend knew it was right.  We gave our daughter up for adoption to the most wonderful family ever.  Since I always knew this would be an option if I had an unplanned pregnancy, it was much easier than expected.  However, I know that God planned for me to have this baby for this family.  Another accident, turned out pretty darn great all around.

Three~I was 25 with my then boyfriend, now husband.  We we on a "break" as Friends would say....LOL  But we were trying to figure it out.  I was all sorts of a wreck and during this time and this time only, I had been forgetful on some pills.  I was honest, so we used condoms.  Still got pregnant.  We decided we would have the baby and we were planning to move to Colorado from California.  I turned out to have an ectopic pregnancy (where the baby is stuck in your tube) and it ruptured, I had an emergency surgery, lost 12 ounces of blood, half my left fallopian tube and the baby.  This was my first major surgery ever.  My mom was there freaking out and I could tell my then boyfriend was scared as well, more for me than the baby.  So up until the surgery, I stayed strong.  Just before I was put under, I lost it and balled to one of the nurses and just told her I was in utter shock at all that was happening.  The loss of the baby made me sad but I was OK with it.  We were not ready to start our family, but it was God's way of confirming that we were to work it out and we were to be together.  My only fear was that I would have trouble having children when we were ready...Again, not the case.

Four~ PLANNED!!!!!!!!!!!!  Finally.  And even with that, our first son had to actually be conceived one month before we were "technically" trying.  I swear, when it comes to babies, I cannot win....LOL  Although, he cause major problems and I had kidney issues and I was on pain meds the last part of my pregnancy.  I felt bad, but he turned out just fine.  Colicy, but fine :)

Fifth and Final~ Planned (3 years later than happened).  My son was 4 months old when our second son was conceived.  I was on birth control and taking them like clockwork.  When my son was 6 months, I was at a pre-op appointment for another kidney surgery and I had taken a pregnancy test.  It was positive, so no surgery.  I was in shock.  In fact my husband and I talked a lot about how we needed to wait 2-3 years before having our second child and he told me I was not allowed to come home and tell him I was pregnant before then.  He was half joking as we knew it would happen when it happen.  But no way were we thinking this soon.  We were not trying, in fact I wonder how it happened since I was always too tired to have sex.  I felt down right bad for my husband.  I was up a lot during the night with my son, I was back to working full time after 6 weeks.  I have to admit, I was a little scared to tell him.  More because once I told him, it was fore real REAL and I was a little afraid of that at that moment.  I walked in, told him I was pregnant, told him I was freaked out, left with my son, called my dad and went over to my mother-in-laws.  It took most the pregnancy to fully accept this new challenge.  I will be honest, it has been very hard having two boys just shy of 14 months apart, but man, I sure love them to death and I would not change anything about how it happened now.

You see now why I needed a permanent method of birth control :)  I am actually very happy with how it all turned out.

Since I am new to all this and I am just doing this more to get my stories out there in hopes that it can help anyone at all, I feel this has served it's purpose.  If you have questions on about things on my blogs or have things you would like to ask me and maybe I can help or just be there to talk it out with you, that is the goal.  You will learn so much about me as I write on.  I have always had a desire to tell my stories.  Most of them are not pretty, but I am a survivor and I am better for them even if at the time I did not think so.  Thank you for reading, help me with this.  And if anyone knows more about adding tabs before there is an "About Me" tab, help a sista out....HA HA

Night Night
Angela