If you did not read the blog just before this one, you might want to before you read on. Otherwise you will be just lost.
Before he actually went to jail and the business was closed, I received several hang up calls as well as just breathing calls and a few messages. Basically when he did speak or leave messages he would say how I am ruining HIS life. I did feel a little bad about that. That is just who I am. No matter the situation. Luckily, I no longer feel bad or have guilt there. My boyfriend waited outside the salon for a while one day and the man just paced back and forth. My older brother even stepped forward and was very protective of me over this. Don't get me wrong, I love my brother and not just because I have to. But we have never really had a close relationship and as adults we live in different states and we do not have a lot in common. It was sweet that they did this for me. But to be honest, it really didn't help. Every noise, every knock at the door, every time the phone rang and even every time the door in my classroom at school, my heart would stop and I would wait to see if it were him. The counselor suggested I carry a journal with me and whenever I was getting anxious to just write. I took it everywhere with me. I tried to go back to school right away. To make it is if it did not happen. But I was constantly in my journal and crying in all classes and breaks. I could not be at school. I did not feel safe. I did not feel safe at home either, but I did feel a little more comfortable. I missed a lot of the second semester of my Junior year and that is why I went to summer school that year and that year only.
What was especially hard for me with all this was my dad. See, I am a total Daddy's girl. I love him so much even though I feel he should have done some things differently (which is it's own blog when I get there one day) and even when he really screwed up, it was like he could do no wrong. Mind you in my older age, I am aware that in fact he has and always will make mistakes and be in the wrong from time to time like everyone else. Anyhoo, back to the tanning incident. He did not really want to talk about it and to this day I am not sure if he knows all that happened in full detail. He put the 2 of us in a Karate class so I could learn self defense, and it was really nice taking a class with my dad. The incident made me want to focus and learn, but the incident also had my mind constantly going that I could not fully focus. We had only taken a few classes when my dad and I were sitting in the Bronco still in the parking lot of the rec center. He looks at me and he tells me he doesn't understand and I MUST have done or said something to make that man feel he could go in my room or that I provoked him. I cried and I started to say what happened again and he was like you must be leaving something out. There is no way this could have just happened. Now I know what you are all thinking, what an asshole. Well that is kinda what I was thinking too. I could not believe my ears, I could not believe my dad thought I was lying. He never said anything for me to realize when I got a little older that it was not him being an ass. It was him so scared and in shock that this could happen to his baby girl that he was hoping I was lying and that it was not real. That does not excuse his behavior nor does it change the fact that I was hurt and very disappointed in him. We did not talk for quite some time after this. I could not look at him. And I could not be around him if he could not believe me. It took him a very long time to finally talk with me about all this. It was a nice long conversation but not much was said. I mean it was like we were going over the basics over and over again without going into detail. Maybe it was easier this way for my dad, and deep down I was still such a daddy's girl and he made an effort to resolve things, and in my book that was OK. Now maybe that is not OK to some or maybe I let my dad off a little easy because my mom hurt me so much and even though I was angry with choices my dad was making with me and living at my mom's, he still was the better parent. At least that is what I thought then. Now I am not saying that my parents were horrible, but I am not saying they were great. But what child ever says their parents were perfect? Look I made it to adulthood, they must have done something right....ha ha
For the longest time, I could not got to a tanning salon. It was just not a place I would come even close to, even with all woman staff. However, somewhere in my mid 20's I found myself at one again. Did a month pass and it was mixed gender employed and I did great. I did not go alone the first few times for fear of PTS, but I did go. Now I don't go now and I don't remember the last time I went. But I no longer have any fear of the tanning salon. To me a tanning salon is just that, a tanning salon.
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