I still hide today. From my family, my husband, my friends. I only tell my husband what he wants to hear, for the most part. When things are tough on me, I can't tell him. Him and I have never been emotionally connected like that. I don't think he truly knew how much baggage I had when he got into all this, even though I told him. I may not have gone into detail, but I told him my whole family is crazy and on one drug or another. He knew bad things by men had happened to me, he knew I gave a child up for adoption. I am pretty damn honest, and for that, I guess I speak mainly of my past, rather than my present. No one ever knows how I feel now. Just how I felt. I know my pain or my shit causes people discomfort. I know I have a lot, I mean a lot all wrapped into one. But I am pretty good at putting that out there. What I am also great at, is showing how strong I am. How much I can handle this. How I don't need your help or support. You don't see me cry on the way to work or when I am sleeping. In the shower where I lay and just try to stop thinking about whatever it is going on. I do this to myself. I tell certain people certain things for their benefit or because I can't deal with the judgement that one person has for me. I am all for you telling me when I am wrong or how I need to chin up, but, I am not willing to listen to you tell me what I should do or what you think is best for me. Since no one can show me they will truly love me wholeheartedly for me, I show certain people certain pieces. It is how I cope. It is how I continue to look at the bright side through all this shit that is handed to me and the shit that I am dealt and the shit I am willing to take at the moment. No one else gets to choose this but me, yet because everyone feels they have the right to tell me what I should do with it all, I have the right to choose who I tell and how. Here, on this blog, is where I will be pure. Here is where I will poor my truth, here is where I will tell all. People can read and people can comment, but here, I can lay it all out and I can then choose what I will read in response and what I will ignore. Everyone needs a true out, but like most, we hide certain things because we just need to vent or cry or whatever without your opinion. If we feel we cannot get that when we need it, we will tell what we need to, to get by, and just hide the rest. The hard part is, the parts we hide for whatever reason, that builds up and one day you want to explode. I am great at covering up. I really am. I hate that I am, and I hate that I am not making millions on screen because, as sad as it is to me, I can fool you all. I hate that I have such control over my emotions. I hate that I seriously can make someone know nothing what-so-ever is going on or wrong with me when I am dying inside. I grew up hiding secrets. Everyone thought I was the happiest person they knew. My mom was a drug addict and dealer. I was not to tell anyone of her lifestyle. I say things you see in movies for those who don't know. For example, the movie CASINO, I cannot watch that. The only reason is because this child actor possibly learned about drugs seeing Sharon Stone do a line (fake I know) off glass while getting paid....that was my life. For that scene alone, I can never watch that movie again. As for my family, to be honest, I am not sure who knows what about me or my up-bringing. I mean I know the ones who partied with my mom and I know the ones that I have told certain things to, but I am not sure if those people blabbed or not. You never know who you can trust and there are people I know I feel I can, but even they have turned out to say something or break the trust in one way. For the most part, I bottle the actual hurt up. I am not sure why. See, I want to tell my stories, I want the possibility of even helping just one person, if that can happen, but I am never completely true in the moment. I don't know why. I hate that I don't know why. I am not sure if it is because it is what I am used to or if I am just plain scared. I feel like I am not scared, but I feel like blaming it on what I am used to is a cop-out. Thoughts??? Like anyone reads this....see that is the self pity I have talking there. As of right now, I know 2 close people who read this, I pray knowing this does not alter what I want to write and I pray it does not make them judge me or look at me differently than they do now. I do need this for me. I need to be completely open and "naked". One day it would be nice to hear something in response, but for now, this is good therapy for me and a great outlook as always that one day my pain or joy may possibly help someone else. I am a big believer on hope, you need it to survive, I really wish I could be completely naked to just one true person. I guess for now, I will have to accept being naked to the world (even though no one is listening :) )
Sweet Dream.
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