Date Rape

So this one is also a tricky one.  So many people are told it is not rape because it was a friend or someone you were sorta dating.  Well, that is what happened to me.  I was kinda dating someone.  It was a teachers son, and at one point he had gone to school with us and then was later transferred to a “better” school".  Look, I was no virgin and I have no issues having sex with whoever I want, when I want.  I did not care if I was considered easy, I felt my choices were in fact my choices.  Now I have not slept with hundreds of men, I have slept with less than 20 men in my whole life.

It was the summer after High School graduation.  We had gone out a few times and I had known him for 4 years so it was not like meeting someone new.  One night we were at my house making out.  Things were getting pretty heated and I was OK with that.  However, I knew tonight I was not going to have sex with him.  And I told him this.  I said, “We can make out and do just about everything, but I do not want to have sex.”  He was like no problem.  So we continued.    Things seemed to be going good, however, I said to him again, “We can do everything but have sex.”  He then confirmed that this was just fine. 

Well, as the title says, that is obviously not what happened.  At one point I felt his hands grab my hips and I froze.  It was an awful feeling and I knew right then and there we were going to have sex.  I did not know what to do or say.  I was frozen there, thinking of my past bad experiences with men and thinking, “really, I know him, we talked about all this, this really isn’t going to happen is it?”  He then lifted my body up and sat me on top of him.  I did nothing, he did it all.  I just lay there frozen on top of him thinking this is actually happening.  The worst part, my mom was home in her room.  I could have screamed but I couldn’t physically scream.  I kept thinking, I know this guy.  His dad taught me science.  What are people going to think since we had mutual friends.  For the sad record, only one of our many mutual friends believed me.  Some of my close friends believed him over me.

He called me and threatened me.  His brother and friends threatened me at home and at work.  And I knew he and his friends had guns and they were rich spoiled brats with no curfew or rules.  I was fearing my life for a jackass and no one believed me.  Turns out I ended up getting pregnant with his baby, but I did not know it until I was miscarrying.  I miscarried at a work meeting in the restroom.  It turned out to be a blessing, there was no knowledge so there was no attachment what-so-ever.  There is always light in everything, no matter how horrible it is or how small it may be.

I did get to feel a little personal justice later that summer.  See he was still trying to defend himself to so many people (if he didn’t do anything, why would he have to keep at it, and why was this not a sign to people that I was telling the truth, I may never know) and he went to the one person who believed me.  They talked for a few hours and all she kept asking him is “did she ever say no.”  She did not care about anything but wanting to know if he in fact knew I said no.  Finally after one of the times she asked him he said “yes.”  It is her word against his and these things never lead to a positive outcome, so he in fact got away with it 100%.  I am not sure if I did the right thing not telling the police but that is how it panned out and there is no point now.  As you know, even if I did call the police, there was slim to no chance anything would have happened.  It is really sad that woman choose not to tell because they are pretty sure nothing will happen and if they tell, then the story is out there.  Most woman do their best to push it aside and not tell anyone what happened to them.

A few years had gone by a me and 2 of my friends were skating up Newport beach when I saw him and his brother.  I again froze.  But I froze in a sense of Skating the hell out of there.  My friends could see my happy outlook immediately change to horror and painful memories.  Once we were far enough away I knew I could slow down and stop, my guy friend with us said he would take care of him right now for me.  How sweet, but none of us went back to where they were.  If I never see him again it will be too soon.

Now don’t get me wrong, I have healed and I can talk about this in hopes to help others, but this is one that was never 100% addressed, so the horror feeling I get thinking about this or heaven forbid I see him again, well, it just may never go away.  But it is a good reminder that even people you know are not always worth your trust.  Yes my gut spoke to me, and I listened, half heartedly.  See my gut said to stop when I told him we would do everything but sex.  But I figured I had the situation under control.  Obviously not.  Remember this, if your gut is wrong, you always still have your life if you listen regardless.

I am a very lucky girl.  The statistics are 1 in every 3 woman are sexually assaulted in one way or another.  I used to say I was the girls who beat the odds because my number is greater than 3 separate occasions and I am only 1 woman.  Maybe not the best saying, I stopped that long ago when I got older and wiser :)


10/14/11 Update, So on 10/12/11, Facebook suggested I be friends with the boy who date raped me. Even though I have dealt with this, when I got the suggestion, it stopped me, and I was shaking and sweating like a pig for hours. It is one thing when it is me controlling the situation, but when someone or thing else controls it, you just don't know where your emotions are going to take you.