If you did not read the blog just before this one, you might want to before you read on. Otherwise you will be just lost.
Before he actually went to jail and the business was closed, I received several hang up calls as well as just breathing calls and a few messages. Basically when he did speak or leave messages he would say how I am ruining HIS life. I did feel a little bad about that. That is just who I am. No matter the situation. Luckily, I no longer feel bad or have guilt there. My boyfriend waited outside the salon for a while one day and the man just paced back and forth. My older brother even stepped forward and was very protective of me over this. Don't get me wrong, I love my brother and not just because I have to. But we have never really had a close relationship and as adults we live in different states and we do not have a lot in common. It was sweet that they did this for me. But to be honest, it really didn't help. Every noise, every knock at the door, every time the phone rang and even every time the door in my classroom at school, my heart would stop and I would wait to see if it were him. The counselor suggested I carry a journal with me and whenever I was getting anxious to just write. I took it everywhere with me. I tried to go back to school right away. To make it is if it did not happen. But I was constantly in my journal and crying in all classes and breaks. I could not be at school. I did not feel safe. I did not feel safe at home either, but I did feel a little more comfortable. I missed a lot of the second semester of my Junior year and that is why I went to summer school that year and that year only.
What was especially hard for me with all this was my dad. See, I am a total Daddy's girl. I love him so much even though I feel he should have done some things differently (which is it's own blog when I get there one day) and even when he really screwed up, it was like he could do no wrong. Mind you in my older age, I am aware that in fact he has and always will make mistakes and be in the wrong from time to time like everyone else. Anyhoo, back to the tanning incident. He did not really want to talk about it and to this day I am not sure if he knows all that happened in full detail. He put the 2 of us in a Karate class so I could learn self defense, and it was really nice taking a class with my dad. The incident made me want to focus and learn, but the incident also had my mind constantly going that I could not fully focus. We had only taken a few classes when my dad and I were sitting in the Bronco still in the parking lot of the rec center. He looks at me and he tells me he doesn't understand and I MUST have done or said something to make that man feel he could go in my room or that I provoked him. I cried and I started to say what happened again and he was like you must be leaving something out. There is no way this could have just happened. Now I know what you are all thinking, what an asshole. Well that is kinda what I was thinking too. I could not believe my ears, I could not believe my dad thought I was lying. He never said anything for me to realize when I got a little older that it was not him being an ass. It was him so scared and in shock that this could happen to his baby girl that he was hoping I was lying and that it was not real. That does not excuse his behavior nor does it change the fact that I was hurt and very disappointed in him. We did not talk for quite some time after this. I could not look at him. And I could not be around him if he could not believe me. It took him a very long time to finally talk with me about all this. It was a nice long conversation but not much was said. I mean it was like we were going over the basics over and over again without going into detail. Maybe it was easier this way for my dad, and deep down I was still such a daddy's girl and he made an effort to resolve things, and in my book that was OK. Now maybe that is not OK to some or maybe I let my dad off a little easy because my mom hurt me so much and even though I was angry with choices my dad was making with me and living at my mom's, he still was the better parent. At least that is what I thought then. Now I am not saying that my parents were horrible, but I am not saying they were great. But what child ever says their parents were perfect? Look I made it to adulthood, they must have done something right....ha ha
For the longest time, I could not got to a tanning salon. It was just not a place I would come even close to, even with all woman staff. However, somewhere in my mid 20's I found myself at one again. Did a month pass and it was mixed gender employed and I did great. I did not go alone the first few times for fear of PTS, but I did go. Now I don't go now and I don't remember the last time I went. But I no longer have any fear of the tanning salon. To me a tanning salon is just that, a tanning salon.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Junior Year - The Tanning Salon
I was 17, and my boyfriend was on the student counsel. I had actually never wanted to attend Prom until I was a Senior, but as I said, my boyfriend kinda put it together so I kinda felt like I should go. And I was always could have fun at dances, so who cares that I had never planned to go before my Senior year. Plus, I was a pretty good girlfriend.....ha ha ha
Well since up until a few weeks before I had no real motivation to shop for a dress, and I was always in my pool. I figured I should go to the tanning salon to make sure whatever dress I decided on, there would be no issues. Now I am not one of those girls who cared really about her appearance. I was a jeans and a T-shirt kinda girl. Never wore make-up (in fact I do not own any make-up now), and my hair would usually start down with being in a pony-tail before 1st class was over :) Anyhoo, back to the tanning salon. So, I got a week or month or something so I could remove my tan lines.
I went I believe a total of 4 times in a week in a half, then I HAD to stop. See the owners son was running the business as she was sick. He was late 30's early 40's and very chatty. The day of sign up, he was just friendly and professional. Told me a little about the options and the creams and his dream of owning a tanning cream vending machine. I know, a 17 year old is like, wow, he must be lonely here. Whatever, when he was done I politely excused myself to the room for me to do what I came to do.....tan Locked the door, off went the clothes, on went the music, down I laid for 20 minutes. Boy does music help the time go by. When the time was up, I got dressed, said good-bye (which he wanted to talk but I gave an excuse so I could be on my way).
The next few times he was very chatty. Got some information out of me, like where I went to school and if I was in any sports. Nothing crazy. He talked about about another girl at a different high school that was in sports and had a baby and such. Just small talk really. Nothing that I felt I should be concerned about. However, I did feel the butterflies when I was there and this was not the first nor the last thing in this category to happen to me. I now never doubt my gut and I warn all women to do the same. It is never wrong.
My last visit. My mom dropped me off (usually I rode my bike) and she was due back in 30 minutes to pick me up and then we were to go to Happy Hour. Well, I got a late start because he was extra chatty and not in a good way. He told me he would love to take me to Hawaii and he could make my dreams come true. I was not sure what to say or do. I was scared, shocked, wanting to leaving, feeling I shouldn't. My mind was running so fast that he almost had to wake me out of it, which scared me again. I told him I was a little rushed and I needed to get to tanning. I thought I should just act normal. So I went to my room, locked the door and tried to do my tanning. I laid in the bed, put my headphones on and started the music. I very quietly wept and kept thinking how did this go from way over there to way the hell over here??? I did not get to the room until about 10 to 15 minutes after I got there. Apparently my mom arrived and he told her it was busy and I just finally got into a room and to come back. So, angrily she did. All of a sudden there was no music and the top of the bed had been raise. He was standing there. Looking at me. He had unlocked the door and had came in where I was lying there naked! He said he had something very important to tell me. He said he loved me. And he said he loved me from here (touching my breast where my heart was) not there (touching just the upper right area where your womanly area and your thigh meet. He told me he was he had not had sex in 3 years and he could throw me down and fuck me right there, but this was not about sex. This was about love. I said OK as he was saying these things. Then he said he would let me get back to tanning and he loved me. He waited, then said "What do you say?" I replied, "I love you too." What else was I to do. I stay standing, dressed, waiting for the time to run out. Then waiting like I was then getting dressed. As I was starting to leave there was a couple joining. He was giving then the tour and info about the beds. He asked me to clean bed 5. I was like my mom will be here any minute. Then he told me how she had stopped by and she would be back soon. So I went to clean the room. Once he got the couple set up in rooms, he came to room 5 and closed the door. He said, "I meant everything I said and I love you deeply and purely." I stayed quiet until I told him I really need to go. But not without him getting me to say I love you to him one last time.
By then my mom was waiting outside for me. She had a look of rage. See, I had made her late for plans that we had to meet her friends at Mario's. She immediately starting telling me how upset she was. I told her I did not want to go and to please drop me off at home first. This was not an option since I had already made her late and this was before cell phones were everywhere. I let her yell, continuing to say I just want to go home. We pull into Mario's parking lot and it hits her. She stops mid-sentence and says, "What did he do to you?" I could only say, "I just want to go home." She grabbed her 2 friends, we went home. Rhonda stayed home with me, while Terry went with my mom back to the tanning salon, where low and behold, his GIRLFRIEND was picking him up! I was not there, but I am told that the moment he say my mom, he threw his hands in the air and said he did not do anything to me. Mind you, my mother had not said one word. Well, at least so I am told. My mom knew what happened as I told her before she left once we got home. So she actually just kinda blurted to his girlfriend what kind of man he was. Then she came home.
I was.....well, not myself to say the least. We called the police and they sent some 2 men out. I HAD to have brownies and I would not stop talking about it until Rhonda finally went and got me fudge brownie mix and chocolate chips. I had to do something, anything but just sit there. The brownies were in the oven when the police arrived. I told them they would be done soon. I really cannot remember who ate them. Those details faded completely away. I gave my report. Long story short, he spent 1 week in jail, the business was shut down, and oh that was it. Apparently he had other complaints but they were all women over 18. The girl from the other high school would not say anything. So it was my word against his and in the long run, nothing happened. All this and what happened in general messed me up big time. I could not sleep, I could not eat, I would cry all the time for random times. I slept in my moms room many nights. See, he had my address from when I joined, he knew what high school I went to and some basic information. I would imagine him everywhere. I thought he would show up at my house or school. I went to counseling and and I was told that I did exactly the right thing. If I had ran or fought in any way, he could have gotten very physical. So, I guess my weird instincts to stay was the safest route in this situation.
I missed a lot of my junior year and ended up having to take some summer school. But I made it to prom :)
Well since up until a few weeks before I had no real motivation to shop for a dress, and I was always in my pool. I figured I should go to the tanning salon to make sure whatever dress I decided on, there would be no issues. Now I am not one of those girls who cared really about her appearance. I was a jeans and a T-shirt kinda girl. Never wore make-up (in fact I do not own any make-up now), and my hair would usually start down with being in a pony-tail before 1st class was over :) Anyhoo, back to the tanning salon. So, I got a week or month or something so I could remove my tan lines.
I went I believe a total of 4 times in a week in a half, then I HAD to stop. See the owners son was running the business as she was sick. He was late 30's early 40's and very chatty. The day of sign up, he was just friendly and professional. Told me a little about the options and the creams and his dream of owning a tanning cream vending machine. I know, a 17 year old is like, wow, he must be lonely here. Whatever, when he was done I politely excused myself to the room for me to do what I came to do.....tan Locked the door, off went the clothes, on went the music, down I laid for 20 minutes. Boy does music help the time go by. When the time was up, I got dressed, said good-bye (which he wanted to talk but I gave an excuse so I could be on my way).
The next few times he was very chatty. Got some information out of me, like where I went to school and if I was in any sports. Nothing crazy. He talked about about another girl at a different high school that was in sports and had a baby and such. Just small talk really. Nothing that I felt I should be concerned about. However, I did feel the butterflies when I was there and this was not the first nor the last thing in this category to happen to me. I now never doubt my gut and I warn all women to do the same. It is never wrong.
My last visit. My mom dropped me off (usually I rode my bike) and she was due back in 30 minutes to pick me up and then we were to go to Happy Hour. Well, I got a late start because he was extra chatty and not in a good way. He told me he would love to take me to Hawaii and he could make my dreams come true. I was not sure what to say or do. I was scared, shocked, wanting to leaving, feeling I shouldn't. My mind was running so fast that he almost had to wake me out of it, which scared me again. I told him I was a little rushed and I needed to get to tanning. I thought I should just act normal. So I went to my room, locked the door and tried to do my tanning. I laid in the bed, put my headphones on and started the music. I very quietly wept and kept thinking how did this go from way over there to way the hell over here??? I did not get to the room until about 10 to 15 minutes after I got there. Apparently my mom arrived and he told her it was busy and I just finally got into a room and to come back. So, angrily she did. All of a sudden there was no music and the top of the bed had been raise. He was standing there. Looking at me. He had unlocked the door and had came in where I was lying there naked! He said he had something very important to tell me. He said he loved me. And he said he loved me from here (touching my breast where my heart was) not there (touching just the upper right area where your womanly area and your thigh meet. He told me he was he had not had sex in 3 years and he could throw me down and fuck me right there, but this was not about sex. This was about love. I said OK as he was saying these things. Then he said he would let me get back to tanning and he loved me. He waited, then said "What do you say?" I replied, "I love you too." What else was I to do. I stay standing, dressed, waiting for the time to run out. Then waiting like I was then getting dressed. As I was starting to leave there was a couple joining. He was giving then the tour and info about the beds. He asked me to clean bed 5. I was like my mom will be here any minute. Then he told me how she had stopped by and she would be back soon. So I went to clean the room. Once he got the couple set up in rooms, he came to room 5 and closed the door. He said, "I meant everything I said and I love you deeply and purely." I stayed quiet until I told him I really need to go. But not without him getting me to say I love you to him one last time.
By then my mom was waiting outside for me. She had a look of rage. See, I had made her late for plans that we had to meet her friends at Mario's. She immediately starting telling me how upset she was. I told her I did not want to go and to please drop me off at home first. This was not an option since I had already made her late and this was before cell phones were everywhere. I let her yell, continuing to say I just want to go home. We pull into Mario's parking lot and it hits her. She stops mid-sentence and says, "What did he do to you?" I could only say, "I just want to go home." She grabbed her 2 friends, we went home. Rhonda stayed home with me, while Terry went with my mom back to the tanning salon, where low and behold, his GIRLFRIEND was picking him up! I was not there, but I am told that the moment he say my mom, he threw his hands in the air and said he did not do anything to me. Mind you, my mother had not said one word. Well, at least so I am told. My mom knew what happened as I told her before she left once we got home. So she actually just kinda blurted to his girlfriend what kind of man he was. Then she came home.
I was.....well, not myself to say the least. We called the police and they sent some 2 men out. I HAD to have brownies and I would not stop talking about it until Rhonda finally went and got me fudge brownie mix and chocolate chips. I had to do something, anything but just sit there. The brownies were in the oven when the police arrived. I told them they would be done soon. I really cannot remember who ate them. Those details faded completely away. I gave my report. Long story short, he spent 1 week in jail, the business was shut down, and oh that was it. Apparently he had other complaints but they were all women over 18. The girl from the other high school would not say anything. So it was my word against his and in the long run, nothing happened. All this and what happened in general messed me up big time. I could not sleep, I could not eat, I would cry all the time for random times. I slept in my moms room many nights. See, he had my address from when I joined, he knew what high school I went to and some basic information. I would imagine him everywhere. I thought he would show up at my house or school. I went to counseling and and I was told that I did exactly the right thing. If I had ran or fought in any way, he could have gotten very physical. So, I guess my weird instincts to stay was the safest route in this situation.
I missed a lot of my junior year and ended up having to take some summer school. But I made it to prom :)
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